Update for the past several months

It has been a while. I have had many thoughts and feeling that past several months, but did not quite feel ready to write them down. But I am now ready to share my experiences again. And sorry again, but this is going to be novel, as I was writing it, I never could quit find the right stopping point to break this up between multiple posts. Also, I want to include a picture in this post, hopefully it will not be hard to see.

Last October, after a morning blood draw, I got the call from my fertility doctor's office at 5:30 pm October 25^th – I was finally pregnant. I was so excited, I could hardly contain my excitement. But I knew we were still very early in the pregnancy, I was only 3 1/2 weeks at the time. So other than my husband, I did not want to tell anyone yet. But my husband and I were so excited, finally we were going to be parents and have all that comes with that, and we were ready to face whatever would come our way on the parent front.

We anxiously anticipated our first ultrasound, at 7 weeks, with our fertility doctor. We wanted to make sure our precious baby was healthy and strong. Our little baby was so beautiful and loved moving, doing somersaults and kicking and punching the whole time. After the ultrasound, my doctor told us that she was going to move the due date up 3 days because our baby was measuring big. We, but mostly me with my husband’s support, decided we did not want to tell anyone yet, even family, since the change of miscarriage is still so high. So we kept it our little secret.

Over that time, my taste buds changed and evolved. Things I used to love, no longer tasted good, or made me feel sick, while others, helped settle my upset stomach. It was weird, so I ate many pickles and bananas, not as a craving, but just because it helped me not feel sick. Luckily I never threw up though. We decided we would tell our families on my mom's birthday, which was two days after we reached 10 weeks. Our families could not have been more excited for us. Their excitement almost beat ours. But we still did not tell the general public, because miscarriage can still happen up to 13 weeks, which was three days after Christmas.

On Christmas day, we announced our pregnancy on facebook. Here are our posts:

-We got the best Christmas present ever...we successfully made it to the end of our first trimester! We are so excited to announce that we are expecting a baby due in early July!

-Who has got two thumbs and his wife is pregnant? This guy!

Within hours, we both had multiple likes and comments on our posts. We could not be more elated. We were expecting and now our friends and family could publicly celebrate with us! After a little over 5 long years of trying, we were going to be parents! We had desired long and hard, and done everything we could possibly think of to get ready for our family to grow, and now it was happening.

We went to AZ to visit with my family over Christmas, we were there for two and a half weeks. It was such a fun break from life and great to celebrate, Christmas and the baby, with my family. My mom and sister wanted to go buy maternity clothes and baby supplies. They both had wonderful words of advice for about what to buy, what to get new and used, what to avoid. It was great. Most of the time we were there we talked about baby. The excitement was so thick in the house, you could almost touch it.

I was sad when it came time for us to go home, but it was ok, we were coming back in 10 weeks for spring break. And in the middle, we were going to find out the sex. We were so excited. We came home and started thinking about how we would change our house around to fit all the baby stuff, and started thinking about all things baby.

Friday, January 24th, we went to dinner with my brother in law. It was an all you can eat, but I don’t think I ate much, but I drank a ton. We went back to our house after dinner, and planned on watching a movie, or maybe playing games with my brother in law. However, shortly after returning home, my water broke. As a nurse, once I realized my water broke, I knew my baby was not going to make it, I was still too early. I was not quite half way, and before 20 weeks, medically they will not ever try to save the baby. I started grieving the loss of my baby that I had anticipated for years and had finally been able to welcome into my heart and family.

Since I was not yet 20 weeks, I knew Labor and Delivery would just send me to the ER, so that is where I headed. Unfortunately, it was early in the evening on a Friday night, so I knew it would be a crazy night. When I got there, every nurse I talked to scoffed at me when I told them my water broke. One even asked if I was sure I did not just pee my pants. I told all of them I was certain my water broke, and they once again scoffed. After about 3 hours, I finally got back to a room. The doctor came in shortly after, I told him what happened, and he was the first person that admitted it sounded suspiciously like my water did in fact broke. But he wanted to do an ultrasound first to see what my fluid level in my uterus looked like. We had to wait about an hour for the ultrasound tech to come in. She did not say much, but verified she saw our baby moving and the heart was still fluttering away. She explained that it would be about an hour or so for the radiologist to read the ultrasound and write a report. So we waited some more, and a little over an hour later the ER doc comes back and said my fluid level is lower than my last ultrasound I had, and is waiting for an OB consult.

It was about 30 minutes for the OB resident to get there. She came in and started talking to us about a few more tests she would run to verify if my water had broken, since fluid level in the uterus can decrease for many reasons. There were a total of three test she needed to run, but I can only remember one specifically - a litmus test. It checks the vaginal pH, since it is usually acidic, and amniotic fluid is basic. However, before running the tests, she wanted to explain some options we had. She explained that some women will choose to try to remain pregnant after their water breaks prematurely, which is possible she explained, as long as the cervix does not start dilating on its own. She explained they do so in hopes of remaining pregnancy at least to where they can save the baby after deliver. She explained the risks choosing to remain pregnant after your water breaks, and if we chose to do that, potentially, the "water" or amniotic fluid could build back up, but until then I would have to be especially careful since I did not have the cushion of protection for my baby...we were starting to get hopeful that maybe we would not lose our baby after all. Once she explained all this, she proceeded to do the last few checks to see if my water had in fact broken, even though I already knew it had. She did the litmus test and explained, “I really don’t need to do the other tests because you are already dilated to almost 3 cm and I can see your baby’s foot. But legally I need do the last two tests to verify.” And with a few words, all the hope I had gained in the last few minutes was dashed. After the last two tests also verified my water had broken, she explained they would admit me to Labor and Delivery, as I would have to deliver my baby. It was about another 20-30 minutes before I was transferred. By this point it is about 3 am Saturday morning.

Once I was admitted,  I was given some medication to help induce labor. In between doses, my husband and I slept. About 8am, we decided to call and let me parents know what was going on, since I decided not to call them in the middle of the night when we found out. My mom said she would be leaving shortly to come be with us. I was looking forward to having my mom come help me heal from my loss.

Shortly after 8am, I delivered my precious baby, he was stillborn. After delivery we found out it was a boy. We named him Adam Michael, the name we had picked for our first son many years prior. He was named after my brother, his uncle, Adam Michael, always with the intent that we would call him Michael. The ironic part is that my brother Adam was also born prematurely and only lived for a few minutes after delivery. 

Anyway, back to our story, the nurse got the on-call doctor, who came in and cut the cord and began to encourage me to push to get the placenta delivered. After about 15 minutes, we were told sometimes in premature deliveries the placenta takes longer to come out as your body tries to figure out what happened, since you should not be delivering yet. So they said they would return in a little bit to check on me. As we waited, we had the great privileged to hold, cuddle and love our son. He remained with us as we took picture and admired how absolutely perfect his body looked. He was perfect in every way! Our son has eyelashes, fingernails and toenails, and muscle definition -- at 17 weeks gestation. As I looked at my beautiful, perfect son, it saddened me that abortion is legalized, and they can continue to get abortions at the stage of pregnancy I was at, especially now seeing how perfectly formed these precious babies are even so early in pregnancy. About an hour after delivery, my brother-in-law came by for a visit. As all three of us admired, we started noticing features he favored from me and my husband – my hands, my husband’s shoulders, my nose, my husband’s feet. It was so fun to get the time to notice those things! The nurse would return about every 10-15 minutes and check on me. My placenta did not want to release from my uterus, in the meantime I continued to bleed with some pretty big clots. After about an hour and a half or longer of waiting for the placenta, the doctor came in and explained that I was losing too much blood and needed to have a d&c to remove the placenta and get the bleeding to stop. I agreed and signed the consent form. I left my precious baby in the capable hands of his father and was wheeled away to the OR.

About 2 or so hours later, I woke up in my room again. My brother in law had left, but had told my husband he would probably be back, and my grandma was in the room talking to my husband and admiring my beautiful son. My husband told me that the procedure took longer than anticipated because even after removing the placenta, they could not get me to stop bleeding and tried various means to get the bleeding to stop. The nurse then explained, they ended up using a bakri balloon, which basically inflates and applies direct pressure on the inside of the uterus to get the bleeding to stop. From my rotation in nursing school, I know that the bakri balloon is used as a last resort to stop hemorrhage, which told me I had lost a lot of blood and they could not get the bleeding to stop any other way, later I found out that I had and estimated blood loss of about 1.5 liters. As I was being told all this, I start to feel aweful contractions and NEEDED pain meds NOW. The nurse was very prompt, but while I waited I looked to my husband and told him if this is what labor feels like I am definitely getting an epidural next time. The nurse returned with some pain medication, and promptly fell asleep for about one hour. When I woke up the pain was gone. And I promptly requested to hold Michael again. I continued to admire and love this little guy, and he was just as perfect as I had remembered. As I held him, I chatted with my grandma. I was so grateful for her loving and peaceful presence.

My grandma left about the same time my husband’s other brother came. I could tell he was visibly shook up over the loss. We talked to him and helped calm his emotions, because as sad as it was, there was a peace that it would all be alright and that God was watching over us. And I knew that if God was watching over us, then everything was happening just the wait it was supposed to, according to His great plan for us. Just after he has been there for about 20 minutes, my sister and niece came for a visit. It was so nice to have so much family support. We all passed Michael around, all admiring how beautiful and perfect he was. My husband and I pointed out all the things we had noticed that Michael had inherited from his parents, and they all agreed.

As their visits ended, I was told my my nurse, that I was stable enough after the surgery that I could not be transferred to the maternity unit. So we were transferred and with no visitors decided to catch some sleep, since neither of us slept more than a few hours the night before. Then one of our dear friends, Karen, came by for a visit and stayed for about 30 minutes and left shortly after my parents arrived.

Once again, my parents admired with us how absolutely perfect our son looked. How his little body was so perfectly formed was and pointed out all the similarities we had noticed. IT was fun to once again share with those we loved our precious Michael. As we admired and talked, our other good friends, Matt and Emilie stopped by. We all sat and talked and admired. It was so great to have so much support during this time of trial and sadness. Having so much support definitely helped my husband and me cope with the loss of something we had so looked forward to for years. Our final visitors left around 11pm. My husband and I finally got more than just some quick cat naps. Early in the morning, the nurse came in and removed the Bakri balloon and said she would keep watching for bleeding. Fortunately, I no longer had any serious bleeding occur. After the balloon was removed, I began to walk around the hall. As I was walking, I ran into one of the OB residence that had worked with me yesterday, and he was shocked I was walking since I had so much blood loss the day before. Honestly, I felt fine, maybe a little weak, but fine to walk. I took the time to ask him a few questions and was grateful for the time to talk to him.

After walking, I returned to my room and woke my husband up enough to convince him to join me in my bed. We fell back a sleep for a bit and then my parents returned to the hospital about the same time the doctor came and told us I would be leaving later that morning. And surely we were able to go home just before lunch. When we finally were heading home, a flood of sadness overwhelmed us because I delivered my baby, but had to go home without him. But that sadness did not last long as we had another slew of people come visit the whole afternoon. And our dear friend Emilie brought us delicious homemade lasagna and went to bed early that night.

As I fell asleep that night, I was so grateful for all the support and love we had received throughout the whole weekend. We are truly fortunate for all the wonderful people that have been there to support and love us throughout our journey of infertility, pregnancy and loss.

Etiquette when Discussing Children with Women

Sorry it has been so long, I have been super busy with work, since I have been picking up at least once extra shift a week. Considering they are 12-hour shifts, and graveyards, it eats up a lot of time, and energy.

But anyway, I was thinking about it at work last night and I think I need to do a post on this topic.

As a women who has been hoping and struggling with starting my family, I hate when I get the question, "When are you going to start having kids?" First of all, that is an extremely personal question to ask someone. Second, when someone is struggling like I have to conceive, it is like a dagger to the heart every time someone asks. Asking someone if they have kids, it totally fine, especially if you are getting to know them for the first time, but then prying when they say they don't have any is inappropriate.

And don't think it is just me, I have talked to my friends that also struggled. The feeling seems to be pretty much unanimous.

Lately I have tried to make a joke out of it. By replying, "Well, we don't believe in kids." Or one I heard from a friend, (but have never had the guts to actually use), "Hopefully 9 months from today." Sometimes, if I feel the person is going to respect my privacy after my reply, sometimes I will say something like, "Hopefully soon," or "We would love to have kids, it just has not happened yet."

Don't get me wrong, it does not bother me when my close friends or family ask me prying questions like that, but I know them on such a deeper level. And most of them ask how treatment is going because they already know what is going on. But I have had some people ask me questions like this when it is literally our very first conversation we have ever had before. REALLY???

Additionally, not that I am in this situation yet, but I feel that same way about asking if someone is going to have anymore kids, or when they plan on having more kids. It is totally personal and between the man and woman. What if they want more, but can't for health reasons, or infertility. Or maybe they are just done with the number they have. Really, it is none of your business to ask a question like that.

At least all of this is my opinion. Hopefully no one was offended by this post. But know I love all of you, just letting you know so hopefully in the future you will be a little more careful!

Just Haven't Met You Yet

So one of my friends, who is also going through infertility just shared this thought, and I decided to share too because it fits so perfectly. And I love this song! So her blog post is quoted below (in blue).

I am a big fan of Michael Buble. His songs are so fun and upbeat. I have a station on Pandora with his music that I often listen to while I ride on the frontrunner to work. As I was listening to it a few months ago, the song “Haven’t Met You Yet” came on. Even though I’d heard that song before, it all of a sudden took on a new meaning to me, because I was thinking about our future kids.

I might have to wait, I’ll never give up
I guess it’s half timing, and the other half’s luck
Wherever you are, whenever it’s right
You’ll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it’ll all turn out
You’ll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven’t met you yet

I started tearing up on the frontrunner, thinking about how everything is going to work out. Sometimes it’s hard to wait, but things always have a way of working out in the end. We are so excited to have kids, and we know we’re going to love them and love being parents. We just haven’t met them yet 

As I read this post of hers, I too started tearing up.  The first line of the song says how I feel perfectly! I dont know how long it will be, I will never give up hope. I know someday I will be able to welcome home a baby of my own. Thanks Mandie for sharing this song and your thoughts and feelings. I hope you dont mind that I shared your post! 

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Anyone else going through the struggle of infertility, do you ever have your moments when you see a mother with her baby, and get sad because you want that so bad? Or see a dad with their child, and wish you could provide that to your spouse?

Not that I am not happy for my friends and family members who have children, but I have my moments when just seeing a baby with someone else, raises these feelings of sadness from deep within my heart. Feelings I usually keep hidden from the world, and try to keep hidden from myself, because they are so painful.

All I can wish in these moments, is maybe someday I will get my turn. Maybe someday I will be able to snap pictures of my dear husband playing with our children. And plan birthday parties, family vacations, and just relish in the blessings of being a mother. Taking the good with the bad. Celebrating everything there is about motherhood - the dirty diapers, sleepless nights, the throw up, the sports games, musical instrument practice, family meals, teaching, loving, teenage attitudes...all of it. I am ready for the blessings and challenges of motherhood.

I am ready to experience the joy of finding out you are pregnant! Experiencing the miracles of growing that child within your womb, the not so positive aspects - morning sickness, poor sleep, waddling, possible bed rest - so I can better appreciate the great aspects of pregnancy - feeling the baby move and kick, seeing your baby for the first time in ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat, finding out the sex, rearranging your house to fit a new little person that your body miraculously created in only 40 short weeks.

Don't get me wrong, like I said, I am happy for all those who are able to have their children and cherish their children. I am just ready for my turn to experience that all first hand, instead of sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else experience it.

All this makes me wonder, when is it my turn?

A few thoughts based on friends questions

Shortly after sharing my blog with my facebook friends, I received a few questions from people who wanted to inquire more about specifics of my experience. This post will answer a few of these FAQ, I will address more in future posts.

First, I have never conceived. I have been convinced several times, mostly in my first year of marriage, that I was pregnant, and have taken many home pregnancy tests, but have always come back negative. In fact, my first year of marriage, when I was still bright eyed and hopeful that I would get pregnant without any medical intervention, I was often convinced I was pregnant. However, within a day or two of taking the test, my period would start and my heart would sink into my chest. Because as much as I tried not to get my hopes up, even after a negative test, I would still believe, possibly the test was wrong. It never seemed real that I was not truly pregnant until my period came, often irregularly. But anyway, long story short, I have never conceived, which I think makes it harder because I wonder if I ever will be able to. Where on the other hand, if I had gotten pregnant and miscarried, it is a matter of finding why I am not able to stay pregnant, could be a hormone thing, chromosomal thing, etc. (Not to down play miscarriage, it is still a very real and difficult thing, but in my eyes, at least you are getting pregnant, at that point, it is then facing the challenge of staying pregnant.) But where I have never even conceived before, it makes me wonder if it is even possible for my body to become pregnant.

Second, my periods have always been irregular my whole life. Throughout the past 12ish years, I have experienced menstruation that has been two weeks to majority of a year in between, and last everywhere from two days to up to four months. On average, I would have 4-6 periods a year, lasting on average probably  10-14 days. When I was 17, I experienced my first multiple month period, and was concerned so I asked my mother to set up for me to see a doctor. It took about a month to get in to the OB/GYN. When I went to see him, he told me that there was a chance I did not ovulate, which at this point in my life was not a big deal as I was not sexually active or trying for children. But he was still concerned because having irregular periods that are so unpredictable increase my chances of uterine cancer in the future. He put me on a medication to regulate my periods, but warned that if I was not ovulating, would probably not induce ovulation. But since I was not trying to have kids, it was not a big deal. So starting at that point, I began having regular periods for the first time of my life.

Many of you probably think I am crazy that my first year I was so hopeful that I would get pregnant, although I knew there was a chance I was not ovulating. But part of me wanted to believe that everything was working properly. And I wanted to give it a try before seeking help, on the chance that it could happen on its own. Additionally, most doctors require a minimum of a year of trying prior to receiving treatments, and I knew that so I figured even if I wasn't ovulating, there was still a purpose in trying on our own for the first year.

Anyway, there goes my attempt to try and answer some FAQ I have been coming across since sharing my story with the world. Thanks for your love and support! It means so much to me! -- Ashlee Ann

My Inward Feelings throughout this process

So in response to my "coming out" in a sense, I have had several people make comments to me about how they had no idea I was facing the challenges of infertility. And others have said they had no idea we were even trying for kids. In response, it is because we did not talk about it much with people; and the people we did talk about it with were our closest friends and family.

Much of the reason I personally have not talked about it was my own insecurities and feelings of "being broken." I did not want to be seen as being less of a women or a wife. Even though, inside, I was struggling with those very feelings.

All I truly ever wanted to be my whole life was to be a mother. I grew up with the goal that once I found the man I would marry, we would have children when we felt the timing was right for us. Coming from the family I did, with 9 siblings, I always thought I would have many children, and start having them in my early to mid 20's.

Since this did not happen for me, even though I got married at 20, I felt broken. Especially when we had confirmed that it was me and not my husband. I had feeling of "it is all me" and "I am the reason we can't have children". And the worst of all, "If my husband had married someone else, he could have been a father by now"; which led to feelings of guilt that he wasn't a father. As I start down that path, I have wondered if my husband regretted marrying me because he does want to be a dad, and would be a wonderful one.

These feelings are ones I have faced and dealt with. I no longer feel broken, but each month treatment either can't happen, or does not work, I wonder to myself if anything will work or if I am just broken enough that with all the modern medical technology, I can not be helped.

I am embarrassed to admit that I even have these thoughts and feelings at times, but it is the truth. I try not to have them, because I know they are not good or positive thoughts, but they occur from time to time. And these thoughts and feelings were the main reason behind me not talking very openly about my experiences.

Anyway, so one day, a few months back, I asked my husband, if he ever regretted marrying me because I can't have kids. He is such a wonderful man, because in response he said, "Even if we never have kids, I will never regret choosing you." That comment and the support I have received from my dearest family and friends throughout the years has helped me realize that I am not broken.

One of my nurse friends, told my one night while we were working, that I have a medical condition, similar to other medical conditions. Sometimes is takes a few years to find the treatment that will work for each individual to control whatever condition it may be. That comment from her, helped me realize I am the same way, we know somethings that may not work, and are hopeful for others that will work for us. We just have to find it. And I just have to be patient to find the treatment that will work so one day I will have my precious baby and start my family!

Thanks again for your support and love! Hope all is well with all my family, friends and strangers reading this blog. It is my prayer that my posts help someone in the world going through similar experiences. Please spread the word if you know someone who might be interested in reading about my experiences. And as always with any questions, suggestions, or comments, please leave a comment below and I will respond soon. Love you all and may God bless!

Faith in God

I just wanted to take a few minutes to express how grateful I am for my friends and God. I recently read a post on my friends facebook page, that I instantly shared because it touched my heart so much.

The quote read, "Faith in God includes Faith in his timing." - Neal A Maxwell

As I thought about this quote, I instantly thought about it in terms of my infertility struggles. God Loves each of us, myself included, and only wants what is best for us in our lives. (Not to say bad things don't happen, because they do, but not because of God.) But in terms of my infertility, which is something that is my body, I trust that my Heavenly Father loves me and will work miracles when the timing is right. I just need to continue to have faith and trust that it is not the right timing in my life, for whatever reason. This faith has helped bring peace and comfort to my heart. Although I still struggle with wanting to be a mommy and have my days of sorrow for that, I have found that trusting in my Heavenly Father brings peace and calm into my life, and the hard days are fewer and farther between when I keep my faith in God strong and don't let it waiver.

I have decided in the meantime, while I wait for God's timing for my to have children, that I will continue in my faith because it truly helps me continue trying, and not giving up in despair. My husband and I have also made educational and career goals, personal goals, health goals and relationship goals to help each of us grow and learn, to develop our talents and knowledge. So when the blessed day arrives that we can finally be called parents, we will be the best mommy and daddy we possibly can be. We will be the most prepared for the challenges that come with sleepless nights, sick kids, disciplining and soothing broken wounds and hearts. We know it will not make it perfect, but it will make it easier. We want to do everything we can now, before children, to prepare for when we will get to be called mommy and daddy!

I am grateful for my loving and supportive husband through all of this. I am grateful for my faith, it has helped me so much in my life as I have waited for any trial or challenge in my life to pass. Just most don't last 5+ years! But I still have faith and trust in His love and watchful care. I know that God is mindful of me, loves me, and only wants what is best for me. I believe there is a purpose to this trial, I just don't understand it quite yet. Hopefully in the future I will! In the meantime, I am grateful for the atoning blood of my Savior which allows me to turn to Him and get healing from my wounds. His atoning sacrifice allows us to turn to the one person who can truly say in all circumstances and situations, "I know what you are going through. Let me help!" The Savior stands at the door to our hearts, with no door handle on him side, knocking, and waiting for us to open the door and let Him into our hearts and lives. I know that when we all do this, miracles will happen. One of the miracles I have seen from this, is the patience to wait for this trial to pass and having faith in His timing. I know this would all be so much more difficult if I did not let my Savior into my life and heart, to heal and calm my heart. Without His gift of patience, I probably would have gone crazy by now and given up. I know I am who I am today because of my faith in God, His son, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost that brings peace and calm amid challenges and trials.

I am so grateful for my faith and for the miracles I see in my life everyday. If you have any questions about my faith or anything you have read, leave a comment. I will answer any questions. Hopefully everyone can find the peace and comfort that I have found through my faith in God, which most certainly includes faith in His timing.