Today is Michael’s first birthday. What a milestone, I just never imagined, before a year ago, that I would be celebrating this milestone without my baby. I have anxiously and nervously anticipated this date for the past year, not knowing how I would be feeling, and what my life would bring at the time. But as the past several weeks have passed, I have been pleasantly surprised how peaceful it all has been. And I truly feel this is a gift from God, for he is the only one who can give true peace, especially to a troubled heart.
There have been times of sorrow, especially the last few months with all the big anniversaries: finding out I was expecting, telling our families, opening Christmas gifts that were for the baby, the dates of our four ultrasounds, and then this weekend, the date my water broke, and the next morning, the day I delivered my precious son. These dates have brought many memories and feelings, many that are hard to put into words. But overall, with all of them there is a great sense of peace and comfort.
I never imagined that you could miss someone with every little bit of your heart and soul and still feel peaceful about it all. But that is the best way to describe it. I want so bad to be with my son and to see him as he grows and develops into a great young man, and to be the one he turns to when he needs to talk about his day – good or bad, and be the one who kisses him good night, and hugs him good morning, to teach him right from wrong, and about the love of his Savior. But even though I don’t get those things, there is peace there. I know my son is great and is being watched over by Heavenly Father. I know he is busy working hard under the direction of Jesus Christ. I know he is aware of me as his mommy. I can feel his love for me, as I know he feels my love.
Maybe this sounds crazy to everyone else. But I am just trying to explain something that is hard to put into words. It is hard to explain the feelings I have had over the past year, and especially over the past few months.
Yes I have my moments of sadness, of seeing my friends babies, and thinking to myself “My son should be about that age, reaching those milestones right now.” All the while knowing, to most people who don’t know my story, I am a motherless woman. And even to some who do know, I am still not a mother because I am not raising my son, but in my heart I know the spirit of my son lives and is living with God. I have my moments, as I ponder how my life would be different had my water not broken that night. If I had brought my son home from the hospital. Would I still be working full time? Would I have moved? What would be different in my life? Yes these thoughts cross my mind, but I try not to dwell on them, because it will not change anything. I will not see, raise or hug my son in this lifetime, I will have to wait until I die. But that day will come, maybe tomorrow, maybe in 60 years. But it will come and it will be a joyous day. I will finally get to meet my son, give him a hug and tell him in words how much I love him.
Until that day, I pray daily that God will tell him how much his mommy loves him. And pray that, even though unseen, that he gets to be with his parents for special occasions, like today when we celebrated his birthday, or when we go visit his grave. Or possibly, for the birth of his siblings, if I am blessed with any more children. While I am saying this prayer, I also express gratitude for the peace Heavenly Father gives me in my heart and soul. I know it has helped me through the past year. And it has been the driving force for the growth that has occurred in my heart, life, testimony, marriage and love over the past year. Many things over the past year have not happened the way I would have planned them, but I know they have worked out the way God planned, and with that I am grateful. Because I know God can make more of me than I can make of myself. So who am I to argue with His plan? Thank you God for helping me become all that I am. Thanks you for loving me enough to direct my path, even and especially when it hurts. Thanks you for all you do for me!