My Inward Feelings throughout this process

So in response to my "coming out" in a sense, I have had several people make comments to me about how they had no idea I was facing the challenges of infertility. And others have said they had no idea we were even trying for kids. In response, it is because we did not talk about it much with people; and the people we did talk about it with were our closest friends and family.

Much of the reason I personally have not talked about it was my own insecurities and feelings of "being broken." I did not want to be seen as being less of a women or a wife. Even though, inside, I was struggling with those very feelings.

All I truly ever wanted to be my whole life was to be a mother. I grew up with the goal that once I found the man I would marry, we would have children when we felt the timing was right for us. Coming from the family I did, with 9 siblings, I always thought I would have many children, and start having them in my early to mid 20's.

Since this did not happen for me, even though I got married at 20, I felt broken. Especially when we had confirmed that it was me and not my husband. I had feeling of "it is all me" and "I am the reason we can't have children". And the worst of all, "If my husband had married someone else, he could have been a father by now"; which led to feelings of guilt that he wasn't a father. As I start down that path, I have wondered if my husband regretted marrying me because he does want to be a dad, and would be a wonderful one.

These feelings are ones I have faced and dealt with. I no longer feel broken, but each month treatment either can't happen, or does not work, I wonder to myself if anything will work or if I am just broken enough that with all the modern medical technology, I can not be helped.

I am embarrassed to admit that I even have these thoughts and feelings at times, but it is the truth. I try not to have them, because I know they are not good or positive thoughts, but they occur from time to time. And these thoughts and feelings were the main reason behind me not talking very openly about my experiences.

Anyway, so one day, a few months back, I asked my husband, if he ever regretted marrying me because I can't have kids. He is such a wonderful man, because in response he said, "Even if we never have kids, I will never regret choosing you." That comment and the support I have received from my dearest family and friends throughout the years has helped me realize that I am not broken.

One of my nurse friends, told my one night while we were working, that I have a medical condition, similar to other medical conditions. Sometimes is takes a few years to find the treatment that will work for each individual to control whatever condition it may be. That comment from her, helped me realize I am the same way, we know somethings that may not work, and are hopeful for others that will work for us. We just have to find it. And I just have to be patient to find the treatment that will work so one day I will have my precious baby and start my family!

Thanks again for your support and love! Hope all is well with all my family, friends and strangers reading this blog. It is my prayer that my posts help someone in the world going through similar experiences. Please spread the word if you know someone who might be interested in reading about my experiences. And as always with any questions, suggestions, or comments, please leave a comment below and I will respond soon. Love you all and may God bless!