Just Haven't Met You Yet

So one of my friends, who is also going through infertility just shared this thought, and I decided to share too because it fits so perfectly. And I love this song! So her blog post is quoted below (in blue).

I am a big fan of Michael Buble. His songs are so fun and upbeat. I have a station on Pandora with his music that I often listen to while I ride on the frontrunner to work. As I was listening to it a few months ago, the song “Haven’t Met You Yet” came on. Even though I’d heard that song before, it all of a sudden took on a new meaning to me, because I was thinking about our future kids.

I might have to wait, I’ll never give up
I guess it’s half timing, and the other half’s luck
Wherever you are, whenever it’s right
You’ll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it’ll all turn out
You’ll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven’t met you yet

I started tearing up on the frontrunner, thinking about how everything is going to work out. Sometimes it’s hard to wait, but things always have a way of working out in the end. We are so excited to have kids, and we know we’re going to love them and love being parents. We just haven’t met them yet 

As I read this post of hers, I too started tearing up.  The first line of the song says how I feel perfectly! I dont know how long it will be, I will never give up hope. I know someday I will be able to welcome home a baby of my own. Thanks Mandie for sharing this song and your thoughts and feelings. I hope you dont mind that I shared your post! 

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Anyone else going through the struggle of infertility, do you ever have your moments when you see a mother with her baby, and get sad because you want that so bad? Or see a dad with their child, and wish you could provide that to your spouse?

Not that I am not happy for my friends and family members who have children, but I have my moments when just seeing a baby with someone else, raises these feelings of sadness from deep within my heart. Feelings I usually keep hidden from the world, and try to keep hidden from myself, because they are so painful.

All I can wish in these moments, is maybe someday I will get my turn. Maybe someday I will be able to snap pictures of my dear husband playing with our children. And plan birthday parties, family vacations, and just relish in the blessings of being a mother. Taking the good with the bad. Celebrating everything there is about motherhood - the dirty diapers, sleepless nights, the throw up, the sports games, musical instrument practice, family meals, teaching, loving, teenage attitudes...all of it. I am ready for the blessings and challenges of motherhood.

I am ready to experience the joy of finding out you are pregnant! Experiencing the miracles of growing that child within your womb, the not so positive aspects - morning sickness, poor sleep, waddling, possible bed rest - so I can better appreciate the great aspects of pregnancy - feeling the baby move and kick, seeing your baby for the first time in ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat, finding out the sex, rearranging your house to fit a new little person that your body miraculously created in only 40 short weeks.

Don't get me wrong, like I said, I am happy for all those who are able to have their children and cherish their children. I am just ready for my turn to experience that all first hand, instead of sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else experience it.

All this makes me wonder, when is it my turn?

A few thoughts based on friends questions

Shortly after sharing my blog with my facebook friends, I received a few questions from people who wanted to inquire more about specifics of my experience. This post will answer a few of these FAQ, I will address more in future posts.

First, I have never conceived. I have been convinced several times, mostly in my first year of marriage, that I was pregnant, and have taken many home pregnancy tests, but have always come back negative. In fact, my first year of marriage, when I was still bright eyed and hopeful that I would get pregnant without any medical intervention, I was often convinced I was pregnant. However, within a day or two of taking the test, my period would start and my heart would sink into my chest. Because as much as I tried not to get my hopes up, even after a negative test, I would still believe, possibly the test was wrong. It never seemed real that I was not truly pregnant until my period came, often irregularly. But anyway, long story short, I have never conceived, which I think makes it harder because I wonder if I ever will be able to. Where on the other hand, if I had gotten pregnant and miscarried, it is a matter of finding why I am not able to stay pregnant, could be a hormone thing, chromosomal thing, etc. (Not to down play miscarriage, it is still a very real and difficult thing, but in my eyes, at least you are getting pregnant, at that point, it is then facing the challenge of staying pregnant.) But where I have never even conceived before, it makes me wonder if it is even possible for my body to become pregnant.

Second, my periods have always been irregular my whole life. Throughout the past 12ish years, I have experienced menstruation that has been two weeks to majority of a year in between, and last everywhere from two days to up to four months. On average, I would have 4-6 periods a year, lasting on average probably  10-14 days. When I was 17, I experienced my first multiple month period, and was concerned so I asked my mother to set up for me to see a doctor. It took about a month to get in to the OB/GYN. When I went to see him, he told me that there was a chance I did not ovulate, which at this point in my life was not a big deal as I was not sexually active or trying for children. But he was still concerned because having irregular periods that are so unpredictable increase my chances of uterine cancer in the future. He put me on a medication to regulate my periods, but warned that if I was not ovulating, would probably not induce ovulation. But since I was not trying to have kids, it was not a big deal. So starting at that point, I began having regular periods for the first time of my life.

Many of you probably think I am crazy that my first year I was so hopeful that I would get pregnant, although I knew there was a chance I was not ovulating. But part of me wanted to believe that everything was working properly. And I wanted to give it a try before seeking help, on the chance that it could happen on its own. Additionally, most doctors require a minimum of a year of trying prior to receiving treatments, and I knew that so I figured even if I wasn't ovulating, there was still a purpose in trying on our own for the first year.

Anyway, there goes my attempt to try and answer some FAQ I have been coming across since sharing my story with the world. Thanks for your love and support! It means so much to me! -- Ashlee Ann

My Inward Feelings throughout this process

So in response to my "coming out" in a sense, I have had several people make comments to me about how they had no idea I was facing the challenges of infertility. And others have said they had no idea we were even trying for kids. In response, it is because we did not talk about it much with people; and the people we did talk about it with were our closest friends and family.

Much of the reason I personally have not talked about it was my own insecurities and feelings of "being broken." I did not want to be seen as being less of a women or a wife. Even though, inside, I was struggling with those very feelings.

All I truly ever wanted to be my whole life was to be a mother. I grew up with the goal that once I found the man I would marry, we would have children when we felt the timing was right for us. Coming from the family I did, with 9 siblings, I always thought I would have many children, and start having them in my early to mid 20's.

Since this did not happen for me, even though I got married at 20, I felt broken. Especially when we had confirmed that it was me and not my husband. I had feeling of "it is all me" and "I am the reason we can't have children". And the worst of all, "If my husband had married someone else, he could have been a father by now"; which led to feelings of guilt that he wasn't a father. As I start down that path, I have wondered if my husband regretted marrying me because he does want to be a dad, and would be a wonderful one.

These feelings are ones I have faced and dealt with. I no longer feel broken, but each month treatment either can't happen, or does not work, I wonder to myself if anything will work or if I am just broken enough that with all the modern medical technology, I can not be helped.

I am embarrassed to admit that I even have these thoughts and feelings at times, but it is the truth. I try not to have them, because I know they are not good or positive thoughts, but they occur from time to time. And these thoughts and feelings were the main reason behind me not talking very openly about my experiences.

Anyway, so one day, a few months back, I asked my husband, if he ever regretted marrying me because I can't have kids. He is such a wonderful man, because in response he said, "Even if we never have kids, I will never regret choosing you." That comment and the support I have received from my dearest family and friends throughout the years has helped me realize that I am not broken.

One of my nurse friends, told my one night while we were working, that I have a medical condition, similar to other medical conditions. Sometimes is takes a few years to find the treatment that will work for each individual to control whatever condition it may be. That comment from her, helped me realize I am the same way, we know somethings that may not work, and are hopeful for others that will work for us. We just have to find it. And I just have to be patient to find the treatment that will work so one day I will have my precious baby and start my family!

Thanks again for your support and love! Hope all is well with all my family, friends and strangers reading this blog. It is my prayer that my posts help someone in the world going through similar experiences. Please spread the word if you know someone who might be interested in reading about my experiences. And as always with any questions, suggestions, or comments, please leave a comment below and I will respond soon. Love you all and may God bless!

Faith in God

I just wanted to take a few minutes to express how grateful I am for my friends and God. I recently read a post on my friends facebook page, that I instantly shared because it touched my heart so much.

The quote read, "Faith in God includes Faith in his timing." - Neal A Maxwell

As I thought about this quote, I instantly thought about it in terms of my infertility struggles. God Loves each of us, myself included, and only wants what is best for us in our lives. (Not to say bad things don't happen, because they do, but not because of God.) But in terms of my infertility, which is something that is my body, I trust that my Heavenly Father loves me and will work miracles when the timing is right. I just need to continue to have faith and trust that it is not the right timing in my life, for whatever reason. This faith has helped bring peace and comfort to my heart. Although I still struggle with wanting to be a mommy and have my days of sorrow for that, I have found that trusting in my Heavenly Father brings peace and calm into my life, and the hard days are fewer and farther between when I keep my faith in God strong and don't let it waiver.

I have decided in the meantime, while I wait for God's timing for my to have children, that I will continue in my faith because it truly helps me continue trying, and not giving up in despair. My husband and I have also made educational and career goals, personal goals, health goals and relationship goals to help each of us grow and learn, to develop our talents and knowledge. So when the blessed day arrives that we can finally be called parents, we will be the best mommy and daddy we possibly can be. We will be the most prepared for the challenges that come with sleepless nights, sick kids, disciplining and soothing broken wounds and hearts. We know it will not make it perfect, but it will make it easier. We want to do everything we can now, before children, to prepare for when we will get to be called mommy and daddy!

I am grateful for my loving and supportive husband through all of this. I am grateful for my faith, it has helped me so much in my life as I have waited for any trial or challenge in my life to pass. Just most don't last 5+ years! But I still have faith and trust in His love and watchful care. I know that God is mindful of me, loves me, and only wants what is best for me. I believe there is a purpose to this trial, I just don't understand it quite yet. Hopefully in the future I will! In the meantime, I am grateful for the atoning blood of my Savior which allows me to turn to Him and get healing from my wounds. His atoning sacrifice allows us to turn to the one person who can truly say in all circumstances and situations, "I know what you are going through. Let me help!" The Savior stands at the door to our hearts, with no door handle on him side, knocking, and waiting for us to open the door and let Him into our hearts and lives. I know that when we all do this, miracles will happen. One of the miracles I have seen from this, is the patience to wait for this trial to pass and having faith in His timing. I know this would all be so much more difficult if I did not let my Savior into my life and heart, to heal and calm my heart. Without His gift of patience, I probably would have gone crazy by now and given up. I know I am who I am today because of my faith in God, His son, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost that brings peace and calm amid challenges and trials.

I am so grateful for my faith and for the miracles I see in my life everyday. If you have any questions about my faith or anything you have read, leave a comment. I will answer any questions. Hopefully everyone can find the peace and comfort that I have found through my faith in God, which most certainly includes faith in His timing.