Anyone else going through the struggle of infertility, do you ever have your moments when you see a mother with her baby, and get sad because you want that so bad? Or see a dad with their child, and wish you could provide that to your spouse?
Not that I am not happy for my friends and family members who have children, but I have my moments when just seeing a baby with someone else, raises these feelings of sadness from deep within my heart. Feelings I usually keep hidden from the world, and try to keep hidden from myself, because they are so painful.
All I can wish in these moments, is maybe someday I will get my turn. Maybe someday I will be able to snap pictures of my dear husband playing with our children. And plan birthday parties, family vacations, and just relish in the blessings of being a mother. Taking the good with the bad. Celebrating everything there is about motherhood - the dirty diapers, sleepless nights, the throw up, the sports games, musical instrument practice, family meals, teaching, loving, teenage attitudes...all of it. I am ready for the blessings and challenges of motherhood.
I am ready to experience the joy of finding out you are pregnant! Experiencing the miracles of growing that child within your womb, the not so positive aspects - morning sickness, poor sleep, waddling, possible bed rest - so I can better appreciate the great aspects of pregnancy - feeling the baby move and kick, seeing your baby for the first time in ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat, finding out the sex, rearranging your house to fit a new little person that your body miraculously created in only 40 short weeks.
Don't get me wrong, like I said, I am happy for all those who are able to have their children and cherish their children. I am just ready for my turn to experience that all first hand, instead of sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else experience it.
All this makes me wonder, when is it my turn?
I feel that way, often. Especially because I have so many friends that have been posting their pictures on Facebook of their growing bellies or ultrasound pics. I know what you are thinking, "But you already have a kid! You have experienced your belly grow, the kicks, the drama of when they see something unexpected in an ultrasound, the joy in finding out the gender, deciding names, planning a nursery...etc." And it's true. I have. Luckily I embraced that pregnancy and enjoyed everything about it, and I had no idea that it would be hard for me to conceive again. I had no idea. But I am beyond ready to have another little bundle of joy in our home who wakes up at all hours, who loves to be held, who needs to learn how to return to our Heavenly Father, who I got lucky enough to raise in this life. For me, I've also come to grips that I might not ever experience a growing belly or being kicked in the ribs again. It's still hard no matter if you are waiting for results from your doctor, fertility drugs to start working, or for a birth mother to pick you to raise her biological child as your own. I know you will have your turn Ashlee! It's hard to see others with their babies, but I know that you will be blessed with a child of your own! I hope and pray that it is sooner rather than later for you! Love you!
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