Sorry it has been so long, I have been super busy with work, since I have been picking up at least once extra shift a week. Considering they are 12-hour shifts, and graveyards, it eats up a lot of time, and energy.
But anyway, I was thinking about it at work last night and I think I need to do a post on this topic.
As a women who has been hoping and struggling with starting my family, I hate when I get the question, "When are you going to start having kids?" First of all, that is an extremely personal question to ask someone. Second, when someone is struggling like I have to conceive, it is like a dagger to the heart every time someone asks. Asking someone if they have kids, it totally fine, especially if you are getting to know them for the first time, but then prying when they say they don't have any is inappropriate.
And don't think it is just me, I have talked to my friends that also struggled. The feeling seems to be pretty much unanimous.
Lately I have tried to make a joke out of it. By replying, "Well, we don't believe in kids." Or one I heard from a friend, (but have never had the guts to actually use), "Hopefully 9 months from today." Sometimes, if I feel the person is going to respect my privacy after my reply, sometimes I will say something like, "Hopefully soon," or "We would love to have kids, it just has not happened yet."
Don't get me wrong, it does not bother me when my close friends or family ask me prying questions like that, but I know them on such a deeper level. And most of them ask how treatment is going because they already know what is going on. But I have had some people ask me questions like this when it is literally our very first conversation we have ever had before. REALLY???
Additionally, not that I am in this situation yet, but I feel that same way about asking if someone is going to have anymore kids, or when they plan on having more kids. It is totally personal and between the man and woman. What if they want more, but can't for health reasons, or infertility. Or maybe they are just done with the number they have. Really, it is none of your business to ask a question like that.
At least all of this is my opinion. Hopefully no one was offended by this post. But know I love all of you, just letting you know so hopefully in the future you will be a little more careful!
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Just Haven't Met You Yet
So one of my friends, who is also going through infertility just shared this thought, and I decided to share too because it fits so perfectly. And I love this song! So her blog post is quoted below (in blue).
I am a big fan of Michael Buble. His songs are so fun and upbeat. I have a station on Pandora with his music that I often listen to while I ride on the frontrunner to work. As I was listening to it a few months ago, the song “Haven’t Met You Yet” came on. Even though I’d heard that song before, it all of a sudden took on a new meaning to me, because I was thinking about our future kids.
I might have to wait, I’ll never give up
I guess it’s half timing, and the other half’s luck
Wherever you are, whenever it’s right
You’ll come out of nowhere and into my life
I guess it’s half timing, and the other half’s luck
Wherever you are, whenever it’s right
You’ll come out of nowhere and into my life
And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility
And somehow I know that it’ll all turn out
You’ll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven’t met you yet
You’ll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven’t met you yet
I started tearing up on the frontrunner, thinking about how everything is going to work out. Sometimes it’s hard to wait, but things always have a way of working out in the end. We are so excited to have kids, and we know we’re going to love them and love being parents. We just haven’t met them yet 
As I read this post of hers, I too started tearing up. The first line of the song says how I feel perfectly! I dont know how long it will be, I will never give up hope. I know someday I will be able to welcome home a baby of my own. Thanks Mandie for sharing this song and your thoughts and feelings. I hope you dont mind that I shared your post!
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Does anyone else ever feel this way?
Anyone else going through the struggle of infertility, do you ever have your moments when you see a mother with her baby, and get sad because you want that so bad? Or see a dad with their child, and wish you could provide that to your spouse?
Not that I am not happy for my friends and family members who have children, but I have my moments when just seeing a baby with someone else, raises these feelings of sadness from deep within my heart. Feelings I usually keep hidden from the world, and try to keep hidden from myself, because they are so painful.
All I can wish in these moments, is maybe someday I will get my turn. Maybe someday I will be able to snap pictures of my dear husband playing with our children. And plan birthday parties, family vacations, and just relish in the blessings of being a mother. Taking the good with the bad. Celebrating everything there is about motherhood - the dirty diapers, sleepless nights, the throw up, the sports games, musical instrument practice, family meals, teaching, loving, teenage attitudes...all of it. I am ready for the blessings and challenges of motherhood.
I am ready to experience the joy of finding out you are pregnant! Experiencing the miracles of growing that child within your womb, the not so positive aspects - morning sickness, poor sleep, waddling, possible bed rest - so I can better appreciate the great aspects of pregnancy - feeling the baby move and kick, seeing your baby for the first time in ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat, finding out the sex, rearranging your house to fit a new little person that your body miraculously created in only 40 short weeks.
Don't get me wrong, like I said, I am happy for all those who are able to have their children and cherish their children. I am just ready for my turn to experience that all first hand, instead of sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else experience it.
All this makes me wonder, when is it my turn?
Not that I am not happy for my friends and family members who have children, but I have my moments when just seeing a baby with someone else, raises these feelings of sadness from deep within my heart. Feelings I usually keep hidden from the world, and try to keep hidden from myself, because they are so painful.
All I can wish in these moments, is maybe someday I will get my turn. Maybe someday I will be able to snap pictures of my dear husband playing with our children. And plan birthday parties, family vacations, and just relish in the blessings of being a mother. Taking the good with the bad. Celebrating everything there is about motherhood - the dirty diapers, sleepless nights, the throw up, the sports games, musical instrument practice, family meals, teaching, loving, teenage attitudes...all of it. I am ready for the blessings and challenges of motherhood.
I am ready to experience the joy of finding out you are pregnant! Experiencing the miracles of growing that child within your womb, the not so positive aspects - morning sickness, poor sleep, waddling, possible bed rest - so I can better appreciate the great aspects of pregnancy - feeling the baby move and kick, seeing your baby for the first time in ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat, finding out the sex, rearranging your house to fit a new little person that your body miraculously created in only 40 short weeks.
Don't get me wrong, like I said, I am happy for all those who are able to have their children and cherish their children. I am just ready for my turn to experience that all first hand, instead of sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else experience it.
All this makes me wonder, when is it my turn?
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
A few thoughts based on friends questions
Shortly after sharing my blog with my facebook friends, I received a few questions from people who wanted to inquire more about specifics of my experience. This post will answer a few of these FAQ, I will address more in future posts.
First, I have never conceived. I have been convinced several times, mostly in my first year of marriage, that I was pregnant, and have taken many home pregnancy tests, but have always come back negative. In fact, my first year of marriage, when I was still bright eyed and hopeful that I would get pregnant without any medical intervention, I was often convinced I was pregnant. However, within a day or two of taking the test, my period would start and my heart would sink into my chest. Because as much as I tried not to get my hopes up, even after a negative test, I would still believe, possibly the test was wrong. It never seemed real that I was not truly pregnant until my period came, often irregularly. But anyway, long story short, I have never conceived, which I think makes it harder because I wonder if I ever will be able to. Where on the other hand, if I had gotten pregnant and miscarried, it is a matter of finding why I am not able to stay pregnant, could be a hormone thing, chromosomal thing, etc. (Not to down play miscarriage, it is still a very real and difficult thing, but in my eyes, at least you are getting pregnant, at that point, it is then facing the challenge of staying pregnant.) But where I have never even conceived before, it makes me wonder if it is even possible for my body to become pregnant.
Second, my periods have always been irregular my whole life. Throughout the past 12ish years, I have experienced menstruation that has been two weeks to majority of a year in between, and last everywhere from two days to up to four months. On average, I would have 4-6 periods a year, lasting on average probably 10-14 days. When I was 17, I experienced my first multiple month period, and was concerned so I asked my mother to set up for me to see a doctor. It took about a month to get in to the OB/GYN. When I went to see him, he told me that there was a chance I did not ovulate, which at this point in my life was not a big deal as I was not sexually active or trying for children. But he was still concerned because having irregular periods that are so unpredictable increase my chances of uterine cancer in the future. He put me on a medication to regulate my periods, but warned that if I was not ovulating, would probably not induce ovulation. But since I was not trying to have kids, it was not a big deal. So starting at that point, I began having regular periods for the first time of my life.
Many of you probably think I am crazy that my first year I was so hopeful that I would get pregnant, although I knew there was a chance I was not ovulating. But part of me wanted to believe that everything was working properly. And I wanted to give it a try before seeking help, on the chance that it could happen on its own. Additionally, most doctors require a minimum of a year of trying prior to receiving treatments, and I knew that so I figured even if I wasn't ovulating, there was still a purpose in trying on our own for the first year.
Anyway, there goes my attempt to try and answer some FAQ I have been coming across since sharing my story with the world. Thanks for your love and support! It means so much to me! -- Ashlee Ann
First, I have never conceived. I have been convinced several times, mostly in my first year of marriage, that I was pregnant, and have taken many home pregnancy tests, but have always come back negative. In fact, my first year of marriage, when I was still bright eyed and hopeful that I would get pregnant without any medical intervention, I was often convinced I was pregnant. However, within a day or two of taking the test, my period would start and my heart would sink into my chest. Because as much as I tried not to get my hopes up, even after a negative test, I would still believe, possibly the test was wrong. It never seemed real that I was not truly pregnant until my period came, often irregularly. But anyway, long story short, I have never conceived, which I think makes it harder because I wonder if I ever will be able to. Where on the other hand, if I had gotten pregnant and miscarried, it is a matter of finding why I am not able to stay pregnant, could be a hormone thing, chromosomal thing, etc. (Not to down play miscarriage, it is still a very real and difficult thing, but in my eyes, at least you are getting pregnant, at that point, it is then facing the challenge of staying pregnant.) But where I have never even conceived before, it makes me wonder if it is even possible for my body to become pregnant.
Second, my periods have always been irregular my whole life. Throughout the past 12ish years, I have experienced menstruation that has been two weeks to majority of a year in between, and last everywhere from two days to up to four months. On average, I would have 4-6 periods a year, lasting on average probably 10-14 days. When I was 17, I experienced my first multiple month period, and was concerned so I asked my mother to set up for me to see a doctor. It took about a month to get in to the OB/GYN. When I went to see him, he told me that there was a chance I did not ovulate, which at this point in my life was not a big deal as I was not sexually active or trying for children. But he was still concerned because having irregular periods that are so unpredictable increase my chances of uterine cancer in the future. He put me on a medication to regulate my periods, but warned that if I was not ovulating, would probably not induce ovulation. But since I was not trying to have kids, it was not a big deal. So starting at that point, I began having regular periods for the first time of my life.
Many of you probably think I am crazy that my first year I was so hopeful that I would get pregnant, although I knew there was a chance I was not ovulating. But part of me wanted to believe that everything was working properly. And I wanted to give it a try before seeking help, on the chance that it could happen on its own. Additionally, most doctors require a minimum of a year of trying prior to receiving treatments, and I knew that so I figured even if I wasn't ovulating, there was still a purpose in trying on our own for the first year.
Anyway, there goes my attempt to try and answer some FAQ I have been coming across since sharing my story with the world. Thanks for your love and support! It means so much to me! -- Ashlee Ann
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
My Inward Feelings throughout this process
So in response to my "coming out" in a sense, I have had several people make comments to me about how they had no idea I was facing the challenges of infertility. And others have said they had no idea we were even trying for kids. In response, it is because we did not talk about it much with people; and the people we did talk about it with were our closest friends and family.
Much of the reason I personally have not talked about it was my own insecurities and feelings of "being broken." I did not want to be seen as being less of a women or a wife. Even though, inside, I was struggling with those very feelings.
All I truly ever wanted to be my whole life was to be a mother. I grew up with the goal that once I found the man I would marry, we would have children when we felt the timing was right for us. Coming from the family I did, with 9 siblings, I always thought I would have many children, and start having them in my early to mid 20's.
Since this did not happen for me, even though I got married at 20, I felt broken. Especially when we had confirmed that it was me and not my husband. I had feeling of "it is all me" and "I am the reason we can't have children". And the worst of all, "If my husband had married someone else, he could have been a father by now"; which led to feelings of guilt that he wasn't a father. As I start down that path, I have wondered if my husband regretted marrying me because he does want to be a dad, and would be a wonderful one.
These feelings are ones I have faced and dealt with. I no longer feel broken, but each month treatment either can't happen, or does not work, I wonder to myself if anything will work or if I am just broken enough that with all the modern medical technology, I can not be helped.
I am embarrassed to admit that I even have these thoughts and feelings at times, but it is the truth. I try not to have them, because I know they are not good or positive thoughts, but they occur from time to time. And these thoughts and feelings were the main reason behind me not talking very openly about my experiences.
Anyway, so one day, a few months back, I asked my husband, if he ever regretted marrying me because I can't have kids. He is such a wonderful man, because in response he said, "Even if we never have kids, I will never regret choosing you." That comment and the support I have received from my dearest family and friends throughout the years has helped me realize that I am not broken.
One of my nurse friends, told my one night while we were working, that I have a medical condition, similar to other medical conditions. Sometimes is takes a few years to find the treatment that will work for each individual to control whatever condition it may be. That comment from her, helped me realize I am the same way, we know somethings that may not work, and are hopeful for others that will work for us. We just have to find it. And I just have to be patient to find the treatment that will work so one day I will have my precious baby and start my family!
Thanks again for your support and love! Hope all is well with all my family, friends and strangers reading this blog. It is my prayer that my posts help someone in the world going through similar experiences. Please spread the word if you know someone who might be interested in reading about my experiences. And as always with any questions, suggestions, or comments, please leave a comment below and I will respond soon. Love you all and may God bless!
Much of the reason I personally have not talked about it was my own insecurities and feelings of "being broken." I did not want to be seen as being less of a women or a wife. Even though, inside, I was struggling with those very feelings.
All I truly ever wanted to be my whole life was to be a mother. I grew up with the goal that once I found the man I would marry, we would have children when we felt the timing was right for us. Coming from the family I did, with 9 siblings, I always thought I would have many children, and start having them in my early to mid 20's.
Since this did not happen for me, even though I got married at 20, I felt broken. Especially when we had confirmed that it was me and not my husband. I had feeling of "it is all me" and "I am the reason we can't have children". And the worst of all, "If my husband had married someone else, he could have been a father by now"; which led to feelings of guilt that he wasn't a father. As I start down that path, I have wondered if my husband regretted marrying me because he does want to be a dad, and would be a wonderful one.
These feelings are ones I have faced and dealt with. I no longer feel broken, but each month treatment either can't happen, or does not work, I wonder to myself if anything will work or if I am just broken enough that with all the modern medical technology, I can not be helped.
I am embarrassed to admit that I even have these thoughts and feelings at times, but it is the truth. I try not to have them, because I know they are not good or positive thoughts, but they occur from time to time. And these thoughts and feelings were the main reason behind me not talking very openly about my experiences.
Anyway, so one day, a few months back, I asked my husband, if he ever regretted marrying me because I can't have kids. He is such a wonderful man, because in response he said, "Even if we never have kids, I will never regret choosing you." That comment and the support I have received from my dearest family and friends throughout the years has helped me realize that I am not broken.
One of my nurse friends, told my one night while we were working, that I have a medical condition, similar to other medical conditions. Sometimes is takes a few years to find the treatment that will work for each individual to control whatever condition it may be. That comment from her, helped me realize I am the same way, we know somethings that may not work, and are hopeful for others that will work for us. We just have to find it. And I just have to be patient to find the treatment that will work so one day I will have my precious baby and start my family!
Thanks again for your support and love! Hope all is well with all my family, friends and strangers reading this blog. It is my prayer that my posts help someone in the world going through similar experiences. Please spread the word if you know someone who might be interested in reading about my experiences. And as always with any questions, suggestions, or comments, please leave a comment below and I will respond soon. Love you all and may God bless!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Faith in God
I just wanted to take a few minutes to express how grateful I am for my friends and God. I recently read a post on my friends facebook page, that I instantly shared because it touched my heart so much.
The quote read, "Faith in God includes Faith in his timing." - Neal A Maxwell
As I thought about this quote, I instantly thought about it in terms of my infertility struggles. God Loves each of us, myself included, and only wants what is best for us in our lives. (Not to say bad things don't happen, because they do, but not because of God.) But in terms of my infertility, which is something that is my body, I trust that my Heavenly Father loves me and will work miracles when the timing is right. I just need to continue to have faith and trust that it is not the right timing in my life, for whatever reason. This faith has helped bring peace and comfort to my heart. Although I still struggle with wanting to be a mommy and have my days of sorrow for that, I have found that trusting in my Heavenly Father brings peace and calm into my life, and the hard days are fewer and farther between when I keep my faith in God strong and don't let it waiver.
I have decided in the meantime, while I wait for God's timing for my to have children, that I will continue in my faith because it truly helps me continue trying, and not giving up in despair. My husband and I have also made educational and career goals, personal goals, health goals and relationship goals to help each of us grow and learn, to develop our talents and knowledge. So when the blessed day arrives that we can finally be called parents, we will be the best mommy and daddy we possibly can be. We will be the most prepared for the challenges that come with sleepless nights, sick kids, disciplining and soothing broken wounds and hearts. We know it will not make it perfect, but it will make it easier. We want to do everything we can now, before children, to prepare for when we will get to be called mommy and daddy!
I am grateful for my loving and supportive husband through all of this. I am grateful for my faith, it has helped me so much in my life as I have waited for any trial or challenge in my life to pass. Just most don't last 5+ years! But I still have faith and trust in His love and watchful care. I know that God is mindful of me, loves me, and only wants what is best for me. I believe there is a purpose to this trial, I just don't understand it quite yet. Hopefully in the future I will! In the meantime, I am grateful for the atoning blood of my Savior which allows me to turn to Him and get healing from my wounds. His atoning sacrifice allows us to turn to the one person who can truly say in all circumstances and situations, "I know what you are going through. Let me help!" The Savior stands at the door to our hearts, with no door handle on him side, knocking, and waiting for us to open the door and let Him into our hearts and lives. I know that when we all do this, miracles will happen. One of the miracles I have seen from this, is the patience to wait for this trial to pass and having faith in His timing. I know this would all be so much more difficult if I did not let my Savior into my life and heart, to heal and calm my heart. Without His gift of patience, I probably would have gone crazy by now and given up. I know I am who I am today because of my faith in God, His son, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost that brings peace and calm amid challenges and trials.
I am so grateful for my faith and for the miracles I see in my life everyday. If you have any questions about my faith or anything you have read, leave a comment. I will answer any questions. Hopefully everyone can find the peace and comfort that I have found through my faith in God, which most certainly includes faith in His timing.
The quote read, "Faith in God includes Faith in his timing." - Neal A Maxwell
As I thought about this quote, I instantly thought about it in terms of my infertility struggles. God Loves each of us, myself included, and only wants what is best for us in our lives. (Not to say bad things don't happen, because they do, but not because of God.) But in terms of my infertility, which is something that is my body, I trust that my Heavenly Father loves me and will work miracles when the timing is right. I just need to continue to have faith and trust that it is not the right timing in my life, for whatever reason. This faith has helped bring peace and comfort to my heart. Although I still struggle with wanting to be a mommy and have my days of sorrow for that, I have found that trusting in my Heavenly Father brings peace and calm into my life, and the hard days are fewer and farther between when I keep my faith in God strong and don't let it waiver.
I have decided in the meantime, while I wait for God's timing for my to have children, that I will continue in my faith because it truly helps me continue trying, and not giving up in despair. My husband and I have also made educational and career goals, personal goals, health goals and relationship goals to help each of us grow and learn, to develop our talents and knowledge. So when the blessed day arrives that we can finally be called parents, we will be the best mommy and daddy we possibly can be. We will be the most prepared for the challenges that come with sleepless nights, sick kids, disciplining and soothing broken wounds and hearts. We know it will not make it perfect, but it will make it easier. We want to do everything we can now, before children, to prepare for when we will get to be called mommy and daddy!
I am grateful for my loving and supportive husband through all of this. I am grateful for my faith, it has helped me so much in my life as I have waited for any trial or challenge in my life to pass. Just most don't last 5+ years! But I still have faith and trust in His love and watchful care. I know that God is mindful of me, loves me, and only wants what is best for me. I believe there is a purpose to this trial, I just don't understand it quite yet. Hopefully in the future I will! In the meantime, I am grateful for the atoning blood of my Savior which allows me to turn to Him and get healing from my wounds. His atoning sacrifice allows us to turn to the one person who can truly say in all circumstances and situations, "I know what you are going through. Let me help!" The Savior stands at the door to our hearts, with no door handle on him side, knocking, and waiting for us to open the door and let Him into our hearts and lives. I know that when we all do this, miracles will happen. One of the miracles I have seen from this, is the patience to wait for this trial to pass and having faith in His timing. I know this would all be so much more difficult if I did not let my Savior into my life and heart, to heal and calm my heart. Without His gift of patience, I probably would have gone crazy by now and given up. I know I am who I am today because of my faith in God, His son, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost that brings peace and calm amid challenges and trials.
I am so grateful for my faith and for the miracles I see in my life everyday. If you have any questions about my faith or anything you have read, leave a comment. I will answer any questions. Hopefully everyone can find the peace and comfort that I have found through my faith in God, which most certainly includes faith in His timing.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
The beginning of our Infertility Journey - Part 2
So I graduated in December from Nursing school; as previously planned, we started discussing our options and potential courses of action. I had some pretty strong feelings about the kind of doctor I wanted to see. I knew I wanted to pursue infertility and pregnancy with an experienced Reproductive Endocrinologist. For those who do not know, Reproductive Endocrinologists are fertility specialty doctors. Compared to OB/GYNs who will also help with the basics of infertility treatments, such as clomid. My previous doctor was an OB/GYN, and with him not knowing much about my endocrine issues and how they would affect infertility and pregnancy, I decided I needed a Reproductive Endocrinologist on my case.
As I started researching which doctors in my area I would want to go see, I came across an ad for a free informational meeting that was in about 3 weeks. It was for a clinic near my home and work, all reproductive endocrinologists, with great success rates. As I continued to research good doctors in the area, I started feeling a little bogged down with all my options and feeling like I lacked sufficient knowledge to make the right decision. I began to feel like I was not sure where to start so why start anywhere. I know that makes no sense, but for about 2 weeks did not really do anything.
Then one day, I began clearing photos in my phone, and came across the ad that I had found of the clinic near my house. I did not remember that I had taken a picture of it. And to my surprise, the meeting was two days away!
We attended the meeting and were very impressed by the presentation of information. Two of the three doctors that work for this clinic presented the information and afterward stayed to answer personalized questions that each individual/couple might have.
We stayed and ended up talking to one of the doctors for almost an hour about all my endocrine issues, and my concerns with my previous doctor; I expressed my desire to work with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. And as she asked me what medications I was on for my thyroid, adrenal insufficiency and other endocrine imbalances, I was pleasantly surprised to find that she knew and was familiar with all of them. It was a huge relief feeling like I found someone who can truly help me in my particular situation. When I told her of my relief, she further eased my concerns when she told me that she had trained in endocrinology for several years before further specializing in Reproductive Endocrinology. So I became even more excited because it meant that she would know, in detail, about all of my stuff going on, and would truly have the best shot at helping me get pregnant.
After our almost hour long discussion, as my husband and I walked to the car, we expressed how comfortable both of us felt with her and how she was such an awesome doctor. We immediately knew we wanted her to be our doctor to help us try for our babies.
Within a few days, we had our first appointment set. It was all starting to feel so real. I was going to be a mom soon! I could just feel it, or maybe it was just hope. We repeated some of the testing from the previous doctor, mostly the ones that can vary with time. The benefit was my husbands work schedule allowed him to get his semen analysis done much sooner. It took about 6 weeks to get all the testing done.
When we went for our follow-up, once again all signs pointed to the problem being me, because i do not ovulate. She also explained that she thinks I have what is called hypogonadotropic hypogonadism, all it basically means that my brain does not release the proper hormones to get my ovaries to function properly, which explains the lack of ovulation, and could also be related to my other endocrine imbalances, if my brain is lacking in function there as well.
So we talked about our options and discussed a tentative plan of care. But because she thinks the main problem was with my brain no releasing what it is supposed to, she was not sure if many treatments would work as well, since they primarily work on the brain to release more hormones. But together we decided we would go ahead and try clomid, since it is the cheapest option. And if that did not work, then we could try something else.
Although we had decided and agreed on a plan of care, treatment would have to wait. She was concerned that my TSH -hormone relating to thyroid function - came back low. So she decreased my dose, and we would redraw in a month.
A month later, my TSH was drawn again, and it still came back low. So once again my dose of thyroid medication was decreased, and we waited another month. In the meantime, I am starting to see and feel many of my signs of hypothyroidism return and I am starting to get concerned that my dose is too low. But I am willing to do it for my baby. So I waited for this next TSH level, and once again it was low, so she wanted to redraw my level in a month with a lower dose of medication again. However, based on how I had been feeling the past 6 weeks or so with the lower doses I went to talk to my doctor about my concerns and let her know how I was feeling.
When I met with her, I was a little afraid that she would tell me to suck it up and deal with it. But she was so kind and told me we did not want to have me feeling so crappy, and having all these negative side effects of lower doses. She did talk to me about the potential concerns and complications that can happen with a low TSH, but as we talked it through between the two if us, we decided to have me return to my original dose of Thyroid medications.
So with that behind us, we were finally ready to start treatment. The plan was to start with Clomid, to see if that would work, even though she had her doubts. But we would start with double the dose of what I took last time. I came in for an ultrasound to make sure everything looked good, and everything did, so I was cleared to start Clomid. A few days after finishing Clomid, I went in for another ultrasound to make sure that my body had responded to it. There was a folicle (mature egg) in each ovary; they were both slightly small, but looked good otherwise. But my ovarian lining looked a little thin, so they sent me home with a medicatoin to help thicken that up and also said that it would probably help the follicles continue to grow to full size.
Three days later I came in again for another ultrasound, and this time, both follicles and uterine lining got the clear to do the final steps to induce ovulation. I was instructed to go home and give myself a shot that would help make sure these eggs dropped and then have timed intercourse to try and increase the chances as much as possible.
Then it was a waiting game. I would return in about 2 weeks to get a blood pregnancy test. Two days before I was scheduled for my blood test, I began bleeding. I was devastated. As prepared as I thought I was for it not to work the first month, I could not help but feel like I had done something wrong, or even worse that there was something wrong with me. Maybe I was never meant to be a mom.
That night at work was the hardest I have ever had, because I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry my heart out...as it was I did cry my heart out, in a dark corner at work when I had a free moment or two. Other than that I had to put on a bright, cheerful face when my heart was breaking inside.
Due to the heartache I felt, I felt I needed a month break before trying again. I talked with my husband, and he told me that if I felt I needed it, to take it. So I told my doctor I would miss the month of July. But return for treatment in August. When I went in for my initial ultrasound for the month, I was seen by my doctors colleague because my doctor was out on maternity leave. This doctor told me that I had an ovarian cyst on my left ovary. She did not feel comfortable starting me on Clomid while I had a cyst, so we would wait a month.
Two days later, I got this pinpoint pain on my left side, that over the next several hours grew to be extremely sharp pain on my left side. I am pretty sure the ovarian cyst burst, but it burst on a Friday night, or I would have called to see if I could get an ultrasound to verify that is what I felt, but I waited out the weekend on Tylenol and Ibuprofen, and by Monday or Tuesday, the pain was gone. So I never went to the doctor about it.
At this point I am waiting for my next cycle day 1, so I can go in again for my baseline ultrasound to hopefully start another round of Clomid. Who knows, maybe, hopefully, that will the month that we get pregnant.
As I started researching which doctors in my area I would want to go see, I came across an ad for a free informational meeting that was in about 3 weeks. It was for a clinic near my home and work, all reproductive endocrinologists, with great success rates. As I continued to research good doctors in the area, I started feeling a little bogged down with all my options and feeling like I lacked sufficient knowledge to make the right decision. I began to feel like I was not sure where to start so why start anywhere. I know that makes no sense, but for about 2 weeks did not really do anything.
Then one day, I began clearing photos in my phone, and came across the ad that I had found of the clinic near my house. I did not remember that I had taken a picture of it. And to my surprise, the meeting was two days away!
We attended the meeting and were very impressed by the presentation of information. Two of the three doctors that work for this clinic presented the information and afterward stayed to answer personalized questions that each individual/couple might have.
We stayed and ended up talking to one of the doctors for almost an hour about all my endocrine issues, and my concerns with my previous doctor; I expressed my desire to work with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. And as she asked me what medications I was on for my thyroid, adrenal insufficiency and other endocrine imbalances, I was pleasantly surprised to find that she knew and was familiar with all of them. It was a huge relief feeling like I found someone who can truly help me in my particular situation. When I told her of my relief, she further eased my concerns when she told me that she had trained in endocrinology for several years before further specializing in Reproductive Endocrinology. So I became even more excited because it meant that she would know, in detail, about all of my stuff going on, and would truly have the best shot at helping me get pregnant.
After our almost hour long discussion, as my husband and I walked to the car, we expressed how comfortable both of us felt with her and how she was such an awesome doctor. We immediately knew we wanted her to be our doctor to help us try for our babies.
Within a few days, we had our first appointment set. It was all starting to feel so real. I was going to be a mom soon! I could just feel it, or maybe it was just hope. We repeated some of the testing from the previous doctor, mostly the ones that can vary with time. The benefit was my husbands work schedule allowed him to get his semen analysis done much sooner. It took about 6 weeks to get all the testing done.
When we went for our follow-up, once again all signs pointed to the problem being me, because i do not ovulate. She also explained that she thinks I have what is called hypogonadotropic hypogonadism, all it basically means that my brain does not release the proper hormones to get my ovaries to function properly, which explains the lack of ovulation, and could also be related to my other endocrine imbalances, if my brain is lacking in function there as well.
So we talked about our options and discussed a tentative plan of care. But because she thinks the main problem was with my brain no releasing what it is supposed to, she was not sure if many treatments would work as well, since they primarily work on the brain to release more hormones. But together we decided we would go ahead and try clomid, since it is the cheapest option. And if that did not work, then we could try something else.
Although we had decided and agreed on a plan of care, treatment would have to wait. She was concerned that my TSH -hormone relating to thyroid function - came back low. So she decreased my dose, and we would redraw in a month.
A month later, my TSH was drawn again, and it still came back low. So once again my dose of thyroid medication was decreased, and we waited another month. In the meantime, I am starting to see and feel many of my signs of hypothyroidism return and I am starting to get concerned that my dose is too low. But I am willing to do it for my baby. So I waited for this next TSH level, and once again it was low, so she wanted to redraw my level in a month with a lower dose of medication again. However, based on how I had been feeling the past 6 weeks or so with the lower doses I went to talk to my doctor about my concerns and let her know how I was feeling.
When I met with her, I was a little afraid that she would tell me to suck it up and deal with it. But she was so kind and told me we did not want to have me feeling so crappy, and having all these negative side effects of lower doses. She did talk to me about the potential concerns and complications that can happen with a low TSH, but as we talked it through between the two if us, we decided to have me return to my original dose of Thyroid medications.
So with that behind us, we were finally ready to start treatment. The plan was to start with Clomid, to see if that would work, even though she had her doubts. But we would start with double the dose of what I took last time. I came in for an ultrasound to make sure everything looked good, and everything did, so I was cleared to start Clomid. A few days after finishing Clomid, I went in for another ultrasound to make sure that my body had responded to it. There was a folicle (mature egg) in each ovary; they were both slightly small, but looked good otherwise. But my ovarian lining looked a little thin, so they sent me home with a medicatoin to help thicken that up and also said that it would probably help the follicles continue to grow to full size.
Three days later I came in again for another ultrasound, and this time, both follicles and uterine lining got the clear to do the final steps to induce ovulation. I was instructed to go home and give myself a shot that would help make sure these eggs dropped and then have timed intercourse to try and increase the chances as much as possible.
Then it was a waiting game. I would return in about 2 weeks to get a blood pregnancy test. Two days before I was scheduled for my blood test, I began bleeding. I was devastated. As prepared as I thought I was for it not to work the first month, I could not help but feel like I had done something wrong, or even worse that there was something wrong with me. Maybe I was never meant to be a mom.
That night at work was the hardest I have ever had, because I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry my heart out...as it was I did cry my heart out, in a dark corner at work when I had a free moment or two. Other than that I had to put on a bright, cheerful face when my heart was breaking inside.
Due to the heartache I felt, I felt I needed a month break before trying again. I talked with my husband, and he told me that if I felt I needed it, to take it. So I told my doctor I would miss the month of July. But return for treatment in August. When I went in for my initial ultrasound for the month, I was seen by my doctors colleague because my doctor was out on maternity leave. This doctor told me that I had an ovarian cyst on my left ovary. She did not feel comfortable starting me on Clomid while I had a cyst, so we would wait a month.
Two days later, I got this pinpoint pain on my left side, that over the next several hours grew to be extremely sharp pain on my left side. I am pretty sure the ovarian cyst burst, but it burst on a Friday night, or I would have called to see if I could get an ultrasound to verify that is what I felt, but I waited out the weekend on Tylenol and Ibuprofen, and by Monday or Tuesday, the pain was gone. So I never went to the doctor about it.
At this point I am waiting for my next cycle day 1, so I can go in again for my baseline ultrasound to hopefully start another round of Clomid. Who knows, maybe, hopefully, that will the month that we get pregnant.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
The beginning of our Infertility Journey
I apologize upfront about these first few posts being long. I have five years to catch up. I will try to get them done in a post or two, depending on my time restraints. Hopefully they will not be too long and boring. Additionally, I am a very religious and spiritual person. I believe that God knows me, loves me, is mindful of my struggles, and talks to my heart from time to time through his Holy Spirit. Just to warn you as I begin this story, because much of the reason I have been able to deal with my struggles of infertility by relying on God's plan for my life and my faith in His love and support of me. And I will mention pertinent spiritual experiences I have had throughout my infertility journey. These experiences are very special to me, and I do not share them lightly, so if you wish to avoid them, please stop reading, and do not demean my faith.
Here it goes...
So I got married, just over five years ago. When we were engaged we decided that we wanted to have kids as soon as we could. We even laughed about how fun it would be to have a honeymoon baby. Needless to say, in our five years of marriage we have never used any form of contraception.
As our first year of marriage came and went, the fact that I was not pregnant yet was extremely difficult for both of us. It was a topic that we did not discuss often together, because it was very emotionally hard, but we also knew that our self and the other were struggling with it internally. We had looked forward to already having our first baby or being pregnant by our one year anniversary. Additionally, us not being pregnant was also made harder by two of my sisters being pregnant over our first anniversary.
By the time our one year anniversary came and went, with still no pregnancy, I knew that it would be a long road for us. I am in the medical field, so without even talking to a doctor, I knew that by one year of unprotected sex and no pregnancy, you were considered clinically infertile. As we talked about how to proceed, we decided that due to many changes in our lives (schooling, moving, starting a new job on the other side of the country) at the time, we would wait a few months to begin fertility treatments.
About six weeks after our first anniversary, one of my sisters had her baby. When she texted to tell me she was in the hospital to deliver, I went to visit her. On my drive home, I began pouring out my heart to God, asking him why I was not pregnant and why did I have to struggle so much for something that comes so easy to others. I even asked why he allows others who do not want a baby to have one, while those who do want a baby can't. I talked with God in my car for about 20 minutes - crying, expressing the inner feelings of my heart, that I had never spoken out loud to any one at this point. Once I was done doing the talking, I decided to spend some time listening for God's response. Almost immediately I was encircled by peace and comfort, a feeling I know can only come from God, especially in the heat of the moment I was in just seconds before. In this moment of peace and comfort, I got this overwhelming feeling that God knew me, He knew my struggles, and He loved me. In that moment, I knew that He only wanted what was best for me and that these struggles were all for my benefit and growth. Just before I arrived home, still in the immense feeling of peace and comfort, I knew that when it was the right timing for us to become parents, God would work whatever miracles were necessary for that to be so. And often I have returned to the feelings of that car ride and try to remember exactly how I felt in that moment, to try and bring that peace and comfort into my daily struggle with not being a mother.
So when our lived settled down a little, and we were all moved it, which was about 6 months, we went to the doctor to start talking about fertility treatments. The doctor said that we had to do all this preliminary diagnostic testing - both me and my husband - before we could make another appointment. Mine was relatively easy to do, because I was not working at the time so my schedule was mostly wide open to get all this done relatively quickly. My husband on the other hand had to do three semen analysis, which even doing one was difficult with his work schedule. He worked from 4:30am until about 7pm. For those who dont know, a semen sample has to be dropped off to the lab within one hour of the sample being collected. With my husbands work schedule, it was nearly impossible to get these samples to the lab within the time frame. No lab is open in the middle of the night for us to drop it off before or after work, and on all the holidays my husband had off work, the labs were all closed for the same holiday. So it took us almost 8 months to get all the samples done so we could get in to see the doctor.
Many of you are probably wondering why not go see another doctor, because this was the only doctor on our insurance plan within a one and a half hour drive from our house. Plus, our insurance, at the time, was one hundred percent coverage, and we were not financially able to pay for anther doctor out of pocket.
Once all the diagnostic testing came back, everything pointed to me being the cause of the infertility. My husbands numbers all looked great - number or sperm, size, motility, etc. Most of my tests came back normal as well, except my estrogen and progesterone (the female sex hormones) levels were low. Which is interesting, because about the same time, I was diagnosted by an endocrinologist with hypothyroidism and adrenal insufficientvy. My endocrinologist has explained that when your thyroid is low, most likely some of your other hormone levels will also be low.
After all my test results, my fertility specialist recommended the typical first-line of fertility medications, which is Clomid. He gave me a 5 pills to take on certain days of my cycle and then instructed me to come in on a certain day for testing after to see if my body responded to the Clomid. Based on the blood work, it appeared that my body did not respond to the Clomid. So we planned to double the dose for the second month. Just before the second month, my husband had a last minute training for his job and was temporarily moved out of state for this training.
I remained at home during that time, and went to see my fertility doctor again. At this visit, I told him of my recent diagnosis by my endocrinologist. His response was, "I am not exactly sure how your hypothyroidism will contribute to infertility but I know they are related, and so I am not really sure how to approach your treatment and medications." So in response to my fertility doctors comment, I emailed my endocrinologist and expressed my concerns of his lack of knowledge on how hypothyroidism and infertility are related and the recommended course of action. My endocrinologist recommended that we don't do fertility treatments, because he believed that with the correct treatment for hypothyroidism, my body would correct itself and I would get pregnant naturally within a year.
Shortly after this discussion with my endocrinologist, my husband found out that he would be getting let go from his job, and we decided to move back to the west coast so I could finish my college degree that I had started prior to our relocation to the east coast for his job. We also decided that since I had just over a year of school left, and per my endocrinologist's recommendation, we decided not to pursue fertility treatments while I finished me college degree and see if I was able to get pregnant naturally.
I graduated from nursing school in December and began working as a nurse in January.
Speaking of work, I will stop here since I need to get ready for work. My next post will catch us up to date on the remainder of my infertility journey.
Here it goes...
So I got married, just over five years ago. When we were engaged we decided that we wanted to have kids as soon as we could. We even laughed about how fun it would be to have a honeymoon baby. Needless to say, in our five years of marriage we have never used any form of contraception.
As our first year of marriage came and went, the fact that I was not pregnant yet was extremely difficult for both of us. It was a topic that we did not discuss often together, because it was very emotionally hard, but we also knew that our self and the other were struggling with it internally. We had looked forward to already having our first baby or being pregnant by our one year anniversary. Additionally, us not being pregnant was also made harder by two of my sisters being pregnant over our first anniversary.
By the time our one year anniversary came and went, with still no pregnancy, I knew that it would be a long road for us. I am in the medical field, so without even talking to a doctor, I knew that by one year of unprotected sex and no pregnancy, you were considered clinically infertile. As we talked about how to proceed, we decided that due to many changes in our lives (schooling, moving, starting a new job on the other side of the country) at the time, we would wait a few months to begin fertility treatments.
About six weeks after our first anniversary, one of my sisters had her baby. When she texted to tell me she was in the hospital to deliver, I went to visit her. On my drive home, I began pouring out my heart to God, asking him why I was not pregnant and why did I have to struggle so much for something that comes so easy to others. I even asked why he allows others who do not want a baby to have one, while those who do want a baby can't. I talked with God in my car for about 20 minutes - crying, expressing the inner feelings of my heart, that I had never spoken out loud to any one at this point. Once I was done doing the talking, I decided to spend some time listening for God's response. Almost immediately I was encircled by peace and comfort, a feeling I know can only come from God, especially in the heat of the moment I was in just seconds before. In this moment of peace and comfort, I got this overwhelming feeling that God knew me, He knew my struggles, and He loved me. In that moment, I knew that He only wanted what was best for me and that these struggles were all for my benefit and growth. Just before I arrived home, still in the immense feeling of peace and comfort, I knew that when it was the right timing for us to become parents, God would work whatever miracles were necessary for that to be so. And often I have returned to the feelings of that car ride and try to remember exactly how I felt in that moment, to try and bring that peace and comfort into my daily struggle with not being a mother.
So when our lived settled down a little, and we were all moved it, which was about 6 months, we went to the doctor to start talking about fertility treatments. The doctor said that we had to do all this preliminary diagnostic testing - both me and my husband - before we could make another appointment. Mine was relatively easy to do, because I was not working at the time so my schedule was mostly wide open to get all this done relatively quickly. My husband on the other hand had to do three semen analysis, which even doing one was difficult with his work schedule. He worked from 4:30am until about 7pm. For those who dont know, a semen sample has to be dropped off to the lab within one hour of the sample being collected. With my husbands work schedule, it was nearly impossible to get these samples to the lab within the time frame. No lab is open in the middle of the night for us to drop it off before or after work, and on all the holidays my husband had off work, the labs were all closed for the same holiday. So it took us almost 8 months to get all the samples done so we could get in to see the doctor.
Many of you are probably wondering why not go see another doctor, because this was the only doctor on our insurance plan within a one and a half hour drive from our house. Plus, our insurance, at the time, was one hundred percent coverage, and we were not financially able to pay for anther doctor out of pocket.
Once all the diagnostic testing came back, everything pointed to me being the cause of the infertility. My husbands numbers all looked great - number or sperm, size, motility, etc. Most of my tests came back normal as well, except my estrogen and progesterone (the female sex hormones) levels were low. Which is interesting, because about the same time, I was diagnosted by an endocrinologist with hypothyroidism and adrenal insufficientvy. My endocrinologist has explained that when your thyroid is low, most likely some of your other hormone levels will also be low.
After all my test results, my fertility specialist recommended the typical first-line of fertility medications, which is Clomid. He gave me a 5 pills to take on certain days of my cycle and then instructed me to come in on a certain day for testing after to see if my body responded to the Clomid. Based on the blood work, it appeared that my body did not respond to the Clomid. So we planned to double the dose for the second month. Just before the second month, my husband had a last minute training for his job and was temporarily moved out of state for this training.
I remained at home during that time, and went to see my fertility doctor again. At this visit, I told him of my recent diagnosis by my endocrinologist. His response was, "I am not exactly sure how your hypothyroidism will contribute to infertility but I know they are related, and so I am not really sure how to approach your treatment and medications." So in response to my fertility doctors comment, I emailed my endocrinologist and expressed my concerns of his lack of knowledge on how hypothyroidism and infertility are related and the recommended course of action. My endocrinologist recommended that we don't do fertility treatments, because he believed that with the correct treatment for hypothyroidism, my body would correct itself and I would get pregnant naturally within a year.
Shortly after this discussion with my endocrinologist, my husband found out that he would be getting let go from his job, and we decided to move back to the west coast so I could finish my college degree that I had started prior to our relocation to the east coast for his job. We also decided that since I had just over a year of school left, and per my endocrinologist's recommendation, we decided not to pursue fertility treatments while I finished me college degree and see if I was able to get pregnant naturally.
I graduated from nursing school in December and began working as a nurse in January.
Speaking of work, I will stop here since I need to get ready for work. My next post will catch us up to date on the remainder of my infertility journey.
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