First Birthday

Today is Michael’s first birthday. What a milestone, I just never imagined, before a year ago, that I would be celebrating this milestone without my baby. I have anxiously and nervously anticipated this date for the past year, not knowing how I would be feeling, and what my life would bring at the time. But as the past several weeks have passed, I have been pleasantly surprised how peaceful it all has been. And I truly feel this is a gift from God, for he is the only one who can give true peace, especially to a troubled heart.

There have been times of sorrow, especially the last few months with all the big anniversaries: finding out I was expecting, telling our families, opening Christmas gifts that were for the baby, the dates of our four ultrasounds, and then this weekend, the date my water broke, and the next morning, the day I delivered my precious son. These dates have brought many memories and feelings, many that are hard to put into words. But overall, with all of them there is a great sense of peace and comfort.

I never imagined that you could miss someone with every little bit of your heart and soul and still feel peaceful about it all. But that is the best way to describe it. I want so bad to be with my son and to see him as he grows and develops into a great young man, and to be the one he turns to when he needs to talk about his day – good or bad, and be the one who kisses him good night, and hugs him good morning, to teach him right from wrong, and about the love of his Savior. But even though I don’t get those things, there is peace there. I know my son is great and is being watched over by Heavenly Father. I know he is busy working hard under the direction of Jesus Christ. I know he is aware of me as his mommy. I can feel his love for me, as I know he feels my love.

Maybe this sounds crazy to everyone else. But I am just trying to explain something that is hard to put into words. It is hard to explain the feelings I have had over the past year, and especially over the past few months.

Yes I have my moments of sadness, of seeing my friends babies, and thinking to myself “My son should be about that age, reaching those milestones right now.” All the while knowing, to most people who don’t know my story, I am a motherless woman. And even to some who do know, I am still not a mother because I am not raising my son, but in my heart I know the spirit of my son lives and is living with God. I have my moments, as I ponder how my life would be different had my water not broken that night. If I had brought my son home from the hospital. Would I still be working full time? Would I have moved? What would be different in my life? Yes these thoughts cross my mind, but I try not to dwell on them, because it will not change anything. I will not see, raise or hug my son in this lifetime, I will have to wait until I die. But that day will come, maybe tomorrow, maybe in 60 years. But it will come and it will be a joyous day. I will finally get to meet my son, give him a hug and tell him in words how much I love him.

Until that day, I pray daily that God will tell him how much his mommy loves him. And pray that, even though unseen, that he gets to be with his parents for special occasions, like today when we celebrated his birthday, or when we go visit his grave. Or possibly, for the birth of his siblings, if I am blessed with any more children. While I am saying this prayer, I also express gratitude for the peace Heavenly Father gives me in my heart and soul. I know it has helped me through the past year. And it has been the driving force for the growth that has occurred in my heart, life, testimony, marriage and love over the past year. Many things over the past year have not happened the way I would have planned them, but I know they have worked out the way God planned, and with that I am grateful. Because I know God can make more of me than I can make of myself. So who am I to argue with His plan? Thank you God for helping me become all that I am. Thanks you for loving me enough to direct my path, even and especially when it hurts. Thanks you for all you do for me! 

Reflection of this past year

This past year has turned out so differently that I had anticipated. When I think back on the past year, I am in shock as where life has taken me. I know my every step has been directed by my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who has helped brighten my darkest moments, lighten my heaviest of burdens, has helped me to learn and grow more in this year than I thought possible.

One year ago today, I gave birth to my son. He was born premature and too early to survive outside the protection of my womb. But regardless of all this, as held his precious body, the spirit of the Lord brought comfort and peace, letting me know I would see my son again, and although he is with God for this season of his life, he is my son and will be mine through all eternity. In my darkest moments, the comfort of the Lord was always there to help bring me back to the light and hope of my Saviors atonement and love.

There have been many moments where sorrow turns to hope, sadness turns to love, and despair turns to peace. I miss my son every day, but there is a connection with him that I feel. I know his spirit may not always be nearby, but his heart and mind are connected. I can feel his love for me, as I believe he can feel my love for him.

There have been many moments where I do feel my son is close, there are moments I feel he is not close, but always aware of me. I am grateful to my Heavenly Father who allows me to feel of that connection with my son and the moments he is near. And over the past year, I have gotten better in tune with sensing those moments, and know that ability will only grow with time.

There is a video I have found (link at the bottom), that I feel explains exactly how I feel, but in a different way than presented in the clips. The video talks about how motherhood is a partnership with the Lord, and how the Lord helps you raise your children and bless you as you do. As I was watching that video today, I felt so blessed to have that same partnership with the Lord with my son. It is different than most mothers, because I am not raising my son, but it is still a partnership as I love my son, and live worthy to be with God and my son again, when my turn on earth ends.

Mothers often say how much they change being a mother, I too have changed this past year. But my changes have been with learning to accept the Lord’s plan for me, especially when it goes against everything I want for me. My faith in God has grown, my understanding of how life after death works in conjunction with family relationships. My love for my son and my dear husband have grown more than I thought possible. My ability to recognize the Lord’s tender mercies in my life has increased, I truly know the tender mercies of the Lord surround us, but often they go unnoticed. I am learning to notice them, and hope to continue to grow in that ability so I can express gratitude to my Father in Heaven for all his tender mercies. I know my journey in life is not over, there is much to learn and accomplish, but I am confident in saying “I am headed in the right direction.”

I am shocked and grateful for how strong my love for my husband has grown and how strong our relationship has grown. I did not think it was possible to grow this much, but it is! And I am grateful to know that such a wonderful man is by my side helping me navigate the challenges that life brings. It is always easier to have a partner in crime…and sorrow…and he is just that. I love you dearly, for time and all eternity!

I love my son! I miss you but know you, and I, are right where we are to be at this time, according to the Lord’s will. My heart aches to be with you again and see you face. Always remember you are loved dearly by your parents. Mommy love you, Michael, and always will! Given Heavenly Father a hug for me!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbYLKVgwztY

Christmas time without my son

This Christmas time has been one of mixed emotions. I have been excited for Christmas traditions, and time with family, but while doing all those things, there has been this whole in my heart wishing I could be having my son's first Christmas with him. Which feelings were only magnified each time I had a friend share pictures of their child's first Christmas.

Thankfully, the day after Christmas, I was on facebook and saw a post by a friend with a poem entitled, "I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year." As I was reading it, I knew I wanted to post it on my blog, and here it is.

"I'M SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST THIS YEAR"

I see the countless Christmas trees

Around the world below,

With tiny lights like heaven's stars

Reflecting in the snow. 

The sight is so spectacular

please wipe away that tear

for I am spending CHRISTMAS

WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs

that people hold so dear

but the sound of music can't compare

with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you 

of the JOY their voices bring

for it is beyond description

to HEAR THE ANGELS SING. 

I know how much you miss me, 

I see the pain inside your heart

for I am spending CHRISTMAS 

WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR 

or the PEACE here in this place

Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS

WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face?

I'll ask him to lift your spirit 

as I tell him of your love

so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER

as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful

and let your spirit sing

for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN

and I’m walking WITH THE KING.

(Author: Wanda Bencke)

Since finding this poem, it seems to have lifted my spirits a little, as I ponder what it would be like to be with the Savior during the celebration of his birth. What an incredible experience that must be. And as the poem says, I truly feel my son is aware of me and my feelings, and there are times I feel him near.

I am grateful for my faith in God and Jesus Christ. I am grateful my son got to spend his first Christmas with Jesus Christ, and other loved ones that too have left this life behind. I thank God for all I have in life, and especially my husband who has been there for me through all of life's challenges, and is always there to listen and hold me while I left my emotions out. This year has been one of sadness and joy. But I sure do miss my boy. Know mommy loves you my dear, Michael!