My disparity of emotions

So I have numerous friends who were due within a few weeks of me in either direction. The first of them started having their babies about a month ago or so. And I am finding it very confusing emotionally, and it seems to only be getting worse the closer to my due date that I am getting.

Part of me is super excited for them, especially the ones who are having their first child. While at the same time, part of me is sad because I should be there with them, experiencing the last few weeks of pregnancy, going through labor, delivering a health and full grown baby, learning to breastfeed, sleepless nights, cuddle time, basically all of it. Additionally,  I have feelings of great love and joy over my own son and the love I have for him, intermingled with anticipation for seeing him again. And then I feel guilty because I should celebrate with my friends in their bundle of joy and congratulate them on their safe delivery and health baby. But for some reason I can't seem to bring myself to do so. I just pass up their pictures and status updates about their babies and growing families, while trying to hold back tears.

And this is all topped off with two of my closest friends finding out they are pregnant and both nearing the end of their first trimester. And it takes me back to my own pregnancy and the giddiness I felt about finally being pregnant, and all the anticipation over finally growing my family and gaining the title of mom. But then I remember, I am a mother, just not one that has a baby to show off to friends, family and strangers.

I don't even know if I am expressing my thoughts and feelings very well, it is all just so confusing and unexpected. I feel like emotionally I have taken a step backwards, if not like 20 huge steps back. I feel like I was in a pretty good place emotionally until I started seeing pictures of my friends when they were getting close to the end and looking like they might pop and then a few short weeks later showing off pictures of their brand new babies on facebook. And not to say I think they shouldn't do so, I am just having to learn how to deal with all this.

This is all just so new to me, even when we were struggling to conceive for all those years, I never experienced feelings of pain or avoidance, in any way,over others who could get pregnant, I was always so excited for them and that excitement helped fuel my own excitement for someday when I would be in their same shoes. But now I am feeling things that are totally new and trying to learn how to cope with that.

My due date was two weeks from today. And the closer I get, the harder it is for me. I just wish I knew what to do to get rid of these emotions. I dont like feeling this way. I want to be excited for everyone again and have the ability to congratulate during such a happy time in their lives. But I just dont know how because it hurts too much.

I wish I could just hold my sweet Michael one more time, look upon his perfectly formed body and cuddle him. I wish I could tell him how much his mommy loves him. I wish I could be the mother I have always wanted to be, but I can't right now. And don't know when I will ever get another chance to be that mother.

Have you ever been so emotionally sad, your heart physically hurt? I have, and it is awful. It makes the pain more than emotional, it is now physical. And unfortunately, it seems to be happening more recently than ever before.

But who do I talk to about all this? It is hard talking to people who have never experienced something like this because I feel like they can tell me "I am sorry" or "It will get easier" or "You will get another chance" all they want, but the words seem empty because they don't understand. But I don't want to express these feelings to my dear husband, because I dont want to bring up all these emotions inside him either and reopen wounds that are beginning to heal. But then what if he already feels this way, and is hurting the same way I am. But I just dont know.

I dont know what to do to help myself get out of this rut I find myself in. I dont know if I should talk to my husband about how I am feeling, or figure it out on my own. I dont know how to tell my friends congratulations and that I am excited for them, even though I am. I wish I could wave a magic wand and heal my broken heart. But I guess it will take time, for time heals all wounds, some just take longer than others to heal. And this one I think will take a while, unfortunately.