Michael's Funeral Service

Shortly after Michael was born, our nurse brought in a bereavement packet and blanket set. The blanket set had a hat, blanket and wrap style outfit - all seen in the picture with the last post. The bereavement packet included information about support groups and how to cope with the loss of your child, the book "Tear Soup", a willowtree statue "Remember" -with the caption "I will always remember", information about burial vs cremation, different funeral homes and cemeteries, etc. When she brought in the packet, she spent quite some time discussing our options. She explained that in the state, anything past 14 weeks gestation either had to be buried or cremated. My husband and I instantly knew we were going to bury our baby boy. As we discussed our options together and with our nurse, we learned that we possibly could bury our sweet baby in the same grave as one of my husband's parents, as they have both passed away, we just needed to check with the specific mortuary for their policy on that. The more we talked about it, the more it made sense to try that option first. 

We were discharged from the hospital Sunday afternoon, and planned to go to the mortary Monday morning to begin making all the arrangements. When we woke up Monday morning, we all got ready quickly so we could go by the funeral home. We decided to first talk with the mortuary where my in-laws are buried, although it was a little longer of a drive than other options. We went by and discussed our options, and verified that we could, in fact, bury sweet Michael in the same plot as one of his grandparents. In cases like that, since the infant caskets are so small, they just bury the baby about a foot or so above the adult casket and they share a plot. So we planned on doing that, and decided on the casket we wanted. We set the funeral up for Wednesday morning, to give our siblings time to make arrangements, as they had all expressed a desire to be here for the funeral. We also decided we would just do a short graveside service.

Since both his parents were deceased, we had to get permission from all my husband's siblings in order to bury Michael in one of their plots. We were so blessed because, in stead of burying Michael with one of his grandparents, they gifted us the remaining two family plots for me and Chase to be buried, and Michael was buried in one of those plots. We decided to bury him in the plot that traditionally will be mine. So when I die, Michael will be unburied, my casket will be placed and then Michael will be placed on top, and then we will both be buried. So we will both share the same plot once I die. And they assured us that we will be able to fit both headstones as well, as long as they are not both full-size headstones.

Going to the funeral home was such a emotional experience. It was one filled with feelings of "I am not supposed to be having to make these decisions", "All I wanted was to bring a baby home", "Why me?", "Things will all be ok, I just need to have faith in God", and many other feelings. In many ways it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but at the same time, I also felt very numb to it all. It was a strange experience, feeling so full of different emotions you feel like you are about to burst, but at the same time feeling emotionally numb. Basically, it is an experience I never want to go through again.

When we got home, my husband and I were so tired we took a nap - I think a combination of lack of sleep Friday night and the emotional stress of the weekend had caught up with us. When we woke, I was shocked how many flowers and cards had come from friends, co-workers, and family. We were also blessed with a few more visits from friends and family to help lift our spirits and help remind us how much support we had during this time. Plus, one of our friends had brough dinner over, which was nice that we then did not have to worry about cooking on top of every thing else. We again felt so blessed for all the love and support we were being shown. That night my mom and I went shopping ot find a special outfit for the funeral; I had decided I wanted to wear white, as I believe it is the color of heaven. However, we were not able to find anything so I ended up wearing something I already had, but we did find a white watch as an accessory. And I do still look at the watch often and wear it occasionally, and in some weird way, it helps me feel close to my precious son.

Tuesday morning was spent plannig the the service, finalizing arrangements with the funeral home and that afternoon we began welcoming our family into our home. It was so nice to have the people we love most with us. We laughed and cried; we ate, played games and watched movies. Tuesday night we met with our spiritual leader, who helped us continue our healing process and try to find faith and trust in God's plan for us. He expressed his sympathy, concern and faith that all things would work out in God's timing and according to God's plan. He prayed with my husband and I, and we felt so blessed to feel so strongly the love of God for us and Michael. 

Wednesday morning was busy getting ready for the service. We had close to 20 people in one small townhome, with 2 bathrooms trying to get ready. At least we planned the service for late morning. For the graveside funeral service, we invited my parents, our siblings, my grandma, one of my husbands childhood lifelong friends with his wife and mother, and one set of close friends. And we were blessed enough to have everyone there we invited. I had to drop something off to our funeral director when we got there that morning, so I followed him and he handed me two tiny, identical teddy bears. He explained that one was for us and the other would be buried with Michael. That way we would have matching teddy bears. I watched him place Michael's teddy bear in the casket with his little body, and it was hard knowing that it would be the last time I would see my son in this life. By the time we got to the graveside, many of our family members were already there. We did not socialize much before the service, I just needed time to prepare myself to say my final goodbye's to my son in mortality.

The final program we decided upon was as follows: 

Song: Be Still, My Soul by David Archuleta

Family Prayer: A. Stephen Farnsworth

Remarks and Dedication of the Grave: Chase T Manwaring

Then all in attendance placed roses on the casket, starting with my and Chase placing yellow roses, and then everyone else placed red and pink roses on the casket.

We chose yellow roses because it was my father-in-laws favorite flower and the one he always bought for his beautiful bride. It was also the main flower at both their funerals. And the flower we had at our wedding. In many ways, it is our flower. It seemed only fitting to have yellow roses here too.

All in all, it ended up being a beautiful, although cold, service, that at least for me provided quite a bit of healing, despite the sadness and emptiness I felt. After the service ended, our family and us lingered in the cold, hugging, talking and occasionally crying. I did not want to leave; I was heartbroken to have to leave my beautiful baby to be buried in the ground. All I wanted was for him to go home with us, happy and healthy. As we stayed back, my sister-in-law started singing a hymn, God be with your til we meet again, as she sang, others joined in singing. It is a very touching hymn, but I could not contain my tears, and broke down. I missed my baby!

Me and my husband headed home. When we got home, my mom told me she had grabbed the yellow roses for us to dry and put in the shadow box I had been talking about creating of the keepsakes from the hospital. And now I had the yellow roses to add and the matching teddy bear. All things included in the shadow box are the blanket and hat from the hospital (Michael was buried in the wrap-style outfit), the yellow roses and teddy bear, a picture from the hospital, plasters the hospital made of Michael's hands and feet, and silver beads that spell out Adam Michael. It turned out pretty good and is a good reminder of my beautiful baby boy. It is currently hanging in our room with this picture my sister gave us after losing Michael, which I then bought for my Aunt who lost her baby 2 days before me.

I love having these reminders of my son. Most days it is just something I look at to celebrate my sons short existence in this life. It brings happiness knowing that he is watching over and loving us as his parents. I love the idea of Christ loving and watching my son for me while I am here on earth. The other piece of art that I have in my house that I have found great comfort in was a Christmas present from my mom, she bought it for me when I told her how much I loved the saying on it. It says "The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you." Such a profound lesson in a simple phrase. But I love it, and have grown to love it even more since all my experiences with conceiving, delivering and burying my sweet Michael. 

Anyway, back to the story. The day after the funeral service, my husband and I posted identical messages on our facebook pages to let everyone know we had lost our son, as prior to this it had only been word of mouth. Our posts were as follows:

"Our sweet baby boy, Adam Michael, was born Saturday, January 25. He was perfect in every way, but born too early to survive. He was so precious, Heavenly Father called him back to be with Him. In my mother's words, "We will miss you while we are here on earth, but Father sealed you ours at birth." So grateful to have been married in the temple and know that we are sealed as a family throughout eternity."

It seemed like almost immediately we were flooded with even more love and care than we had received already. I was shocked at the out pouring of love, support and prayers. We truly are blessed with amazing friends and family. 

A few weeks later we went back to the funeral home to design a headstone. Here is the design printed on paper,


And then below is the final product, but before they had laid sod back down around the headstone. I think it came out pretty good. I am happy with the picture we chose, and I love the phrases of Forever Together and Born into Eternity. I feel like both have so much meaning for me in the context of losing my son. 

I am so grateful for my knowledge that God loves me, that he has a plan for me (even though I may not always understand that plan or why I need to experience certain things). I am grateful for the sacrifice that Jesus Christ suffered so that I can find support and love through him, and so grateful that He is ALWAYS there for me when I need him. I am grateful for the knowledge I have that families can be forever and that I will see my son again. I am grateful for all I have learned about myself and my husband during these trials, they certainly have not been easy, but we have grown stronger through them. I am grateful for a loving husband that is always a support to me. I truly have been blessed with a man who never blames me for not being about to be father, when it is one of his greatest desires. He just loves me and tells me time and time again that even if he had known all the heartache and pain he would experience wanting to be a daddy and having to wait for it so long, he would still choose me. He even told me, before we conceived, when I started thinking that maybe it would never happen, that he still would have chosen me had he know before hand he never would have been a father. Since losing Michael, he has just loved me, and help me when I cry, and wiped away my tears. And he does all this when I am sure he is hurting just as much inside. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such a wonderful man, but I sure am grateful for the love he has shown me and the man he is. I could not imagine a better husband and father for myself and our son. I have not given up hope, but do need some more time to heal physically, emotionally and spiritually before trying again. Hopefully, I will be able to conceive again, but I guess only time will tell.

As always, thanks for reading, sorry for the novel. Hopefully not too bad, especially since I have learned how to add pictures to my posts. :)