My disparity of emotions

So I have numerous friends who were due within a few weeks of me in either direction. The first of them started having their babies about a month ago or so. And I am finding it very confusing emotionally, and it seems to only be getting worse the closer to my due date that I am getting.

Part of me is super excited for them, especially the ones who are having their first child. While at the same time, part of me is sad because I should be there with them, experiencing the last few weeks of pregnancy, going through labor, delivering a health and full grown baby, learning to breastfeed, sleepless nights, cuddle time, basically all of it. Additionally,  I have feelings of great love and joy over my own son and the love I have for him, intermingled with anticipation for seeing him again. And then I feel guilty because I should celebrate with my friends in their bundle of joy and congratulate them on their safe delivery and health baby. But for some reason I can't seem to bring myself to do so. I just pass up their pictures and status updates about their babies and growing families, while trying to hold back tears.

And this is all topped off with two of my closest friends finding out they are pregnant and both nearing the end of their first trimester. And it takes me back to my own pregnancy and the giddiness I felt about finally being pregnant, and all the anticipation over finally growing my family and gaining the title of mom. But then I remember, I am a mother, just not one that has a baby to show off to friends, family and strangers.

I don't even know if I am expressing my thoughts and feelings very well, it is all just so confusing and unexpected. I feel like emotionally I have taken a step backwards, if not like 20 huge steps back. I feel like I was in a pretty good place emotionally until I started seeing pictures of my friends when they were getting close to the end and looking like they might pop and then a few short weeks later showing off pictures of their brand new babies on facebook. And not to say I think they shouldn't do so, I am just having to learn how to deal with all this.

This is all just so new to me, even when we were struggling to conceive for all those years, I never experienced feelings of pain or avoidance, in any way,over others who could get pregnant, I was always so excited for them and that excitement helped fuel my own excitement for someday when I would be in their same shoes. But now I am feeling things that are totally new and trying to learn how to cope with that.

My due date was two weeks from today. And the closer I get, the harder it is for me. I just wish I knew what to do to get rid of these emotions. I dont like feeling this way. I want to be excited for everyone again and have the ability to congratulate during such a happy time in their lives. But I just dont know how because it hurts too much.

I wish I could just hold my sweet Michael one more time, look upon his perfectly formed body and cuddle him. I wish I could tell him how much his mommy loves him. I wish I could be the mother I have always wanted to be, but I can't right now. And don't know when I will ever get another chance to be that mother.

Have you ever been so emotionally sad, your heart physically hurt? I have, and it is awful. It makes the pain more than emotional, it is now physical. And unfortunately, it seems to be happening more recently than ever before.

But who do I talk to about all this? It is hard talking to people who have never experienced something like this because I feel like they can tell me "I am sorry" or "It will get easier" or "You will get another chance" all they want, but the words seem empty because they don't understand. But I don't want to express these feelings to my dear husband, because I dont want to bring up all these emotions inside him either and reopen wounds that are beginning to heal. But then what if he already feels this way, and is hurting the same way I am. But I just dont know.

I dont know what to do to help myself get out of this rut I find myself in. I dont know if I should talk to my husband about how I am feeling, or figure it out on my own. I dont know how to tell my friends congratulations and that I am excited for them, even though I am. I wish I could wave a magic wand and heal my broken heart. But I guess it will take time, for time heals all wounds, some just take longer than others to heal. And this one I think will take a while, unfortunately.

Michael's Funeral Service

Shortly after Michael was born, our nurse brought in a bereavement packet and blanket set. The blanket set had a hat, blanket and wrap style outfit - all seen in the picture with the last post. The bereavement packet included information about support groups and how to cope with the loss of your child, the book "Tear Soup", a willowtree statue "Remember" -with the caption "I will always remember", information about burial vs cremation, different funeral homes and cemeteries, etc. When she brought in the packet, she spent quite some time discussing our options. She explained that in the state, anything past 14 weeks gestation either had to be buried or cremated. My husband and I instantly knew we were going to bury our baby boy. As we discussed our options together and with our nurse, we learned that we possibly could bury our sweet baby in the same grave as one of my husband's parents, as they have both passed away, we just needed to check with the specific mortuary for their policy on that. The more we talked about it, the more it made sense to try that option first. 

We were discharged from the hospital Sunday afternoon, and planned to go to the mortary Monday morning to begin making all the arrangements. When we woke up Monday morning, we all got ready quickly so we could go by the funeral home. We decided to first talk with the mortuary where my in-laws are buried, although it was a little longer of a drive than other options. We went by and discussed our options, and verified that we could, in fact, bury sweet Michael in the same plot as one of his grandparents. In cases like that, since the infant caskets are so small, they just bury the baby about a foot or so above the adult casket and they share a plot. So we planned on doing that, and decided on the casket we wanted. We set the funeral up for Wednesday morning, to give our siblings time to make arrangements, as they had all expressed a desire to be here for the funeral. We also decided we would just do a short graveside service.

Since both his parents were deceased, we had to get permission from all my husband's siblings in order to bury Michael in one of their plots. We were so blessed because, in stead of burying Michael with one of his grandparents, they gifted us the remaining two family plots for me and Chase to be buried, and Michael was buried in one of those plots. We decided to bury him in the plot that traditionally will be mine. So when I die, Michael will be unburied, my casket will be placed and then Michael will be placed on top, and then we will both be buried. So we will both share the same plot once I die. And they assured us that we will be able to fit both headstones as well, as long as they are not both full-size headstones.

Going to the funeral home was such a emotional experience. It was one filled with feelings of "I am not supposed to be having to make these decisions", "All I wanted was to bring a baby home", "Why me?", "Things will all be ok, I just need to have faith in God", and many other feelings. In many ways it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but at the same time, I also felt very numb to it all. It was a strange experience, feeling so full of different emotions you feel like you are about to burst, but at the same time feeling emotionally numb. Basically, it is an experience I never want to go through again.

When we got home, my husband and I were so tired we took a nap - I think a combination of lack of sleep Friday night and the emotional stress of the weekend had caught up with us. When we woke, I was shocked how many flowers and cards had come from friends, co-workers, and family. We were also blessed with a few more visits from friends and family to help lift our spirits and help remind us how much support we had during this time. Plus, one of our friends had brough dinner over, which was nice that we then did not have to worry about cooking on top of every thing else. We again felt so blessed for all the love and support we were being shown. That night my mom and I went shopping ot find a special outfit for the funeral; I had decided I wanted to wear white, as I believe it is the color of heaven. However, we were not able to find anything so I ended up wearing something I already had, but we did find a white watch as an accessory. And I do still look at the watch often and wear it occasionally, and in some weird way, it helps me feel close to my precious son.

Tuesday morning was spent plannig the the service, finalizing arrangements with the funeral home and that afternoon we began welcoming our family into our home. It was so nice to have the people we love most with us. We laughed and cried; we ate, played games and watched movies. Tuesday night we met with our spiritual leader, who helped us continue our healing process and try to find faith and trust in God's plan for us. He expressed his sympathy, concern and faith that all things would work out in God's timing and according to God's plan. He prayed with my husband and I, and we felt so blessed to feel so strongly the love of God for us and Michael. 

Wednesday morning was busy getting ready for the service. We had close to 20 people in one small townhome, with 2 bathrooms trying to get ready. At least we planned the service for late morning. For the graveside funeral service, we invited my parents, our siblings, my grandma, one of my husbands childhood lifelong friends with his wife and mother, and one set of close friends. And we were blessed enough to have everyone there we invited. I had to drop something off to our funeral director when we got there that morning, so I followed him and he handed me two tiny, identical teddy bears. He explained that one was for us and the other would be buried with Michael. That way we would have matching teddy bears. I watched him place Michael's teddy bear in the casket with his little body, and it was hard knowing that it would be the last time I would see my son in this life. By the time we got to the graveside, many of our family members were already there. We did not socialize much before the service, I just needed time to prepare myself to say my final goodbye's to my son in mortality.

The final program we decided upon was as follows: 

Song: Be Still, My Soul by David Archuleta

Family Prayer: A. Stephen Farnsworth

Remarks and Dedication of the Grave: Chase T Manwaring

Then all in attendance placed roses on the casket, starting with my and Chase placing yellow roses, and then everyone else placed red and pink roses on the casket.

We chose yellow roses because it was my father-in-laws favorite flower and the one he always bought for his beautiful bride. It was also the main flower at both their funerals. And the flower we had at our wedding. In many ways, it is our flower. It seemed only fitting to have yellow roses here too.

All in all, it ended up being a beautiful, although cold, service, that at least for me provided quite a bit of healing, despite the sadness and emptiness I felt. After the service ended, our family and us lingered in the cold, hugging, talking and occasionally crying. I did not want to leave; I was heartbroken to have to leave my beautiful baby to be buried in the ground. All I wanted was for him to go home with us, happy and healthy. As we stayed back, my sister-in-law started singing a hymn, God be with your til we meet again, as she sang, others joined in singing. It is a very touching hymn, but I could not contain my tears, and broke down. I missed my baby!

Me and my husband headed home. When we got home, my mom told me she had grabbed the yellow roses for us to dry and put in the shadow box I had been talking about creating of the keepsakes from the hospital. And now I had the yellow roses to add and the matching teddy bear. All things included in the shadow box are the blanket and hat from the hospital (Michael was buried in the wrap-style outfit), the yellow roses and teddy bear, a picture from the hospital, plasters the hospital made of Michael's hands and feet, and silver beads that spell out Adam Michael. It turned out pretty good and is a good reminder of my beautiful baby boy. It is currently hanging in our room with this picture my sister gave us after losing Michael, which I then bought for my Aunt who lost her baby 2 days before me.

I love having these reminders of my son. Most days it is just something I look at to celebrate my sons short existence in this life. It brings happiness knowing that he is watching over and loving us as his parents. I love the idea of Christ loving and watching my son for me while I am here on earth. The other piece of art that I have in my house that I have found great comfort in was a Christmas present from my mom, she bought it for me when I told her how much I loved the saying on it. It says "The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you." Such a profound lesson in a simple phrase. But I love it, and have grown to love it even more since all my experiences with conceiving, delivering and burying my sweet Michael. 

Anyway, back to the story. The day after the funeral service, my husband and I posted identical messages on our facebook pages to let everyone know we had lost our son, as prior to this it had only been word of mouth. Our posts were as follows:

"Our sweet baby boy, Adam Michael, was born Saturday, January 25. He was perfect in every way, but born too early to survive. He was so precious, Heavenly Father called him back to be with Him. In my mother's words, "We will miss you while we are here on earth, but Father sealed you ours at birth." So grateful to have been married in the temple and know that we are sealed as a family throughout eternity."

It seemed like almost immediately we were flooded with even more love and care than we had received already. I was shocked at the out pouring of love, support and prayers. We truly are blessed with amazing friends and family. 

A few weeks later we went back to the funeral home to design a headstone. Here is the design printed on paper,


And then below is the final product, but before they had laid sod back down around the headstone. I think it came out pretty good. I am happy with the picture we chose, and I love the phrases of Forever Together and Born into Eternity. I feel like both have so much meaning for me in the context of losing my son. 

I am so grateful for my knowledge that God loves me, that he has a plan for me (even though I may not always understand that plan or why I need to experience certain things). I am grateful for the sacrifice that Jesus Christ suffered so that I can find support and love through him, and so grateful that He is ALWAYS there for me when I need him. I am grateful for the knowledge I have that families can be forever and that I will see my son again. I am grateful for all I have learned about myself and my husband during these trials, they certainly have not been easy, but we have grown stronger through them. I am grateful for a loving husband that is always a support to me. I truly have been blessed with a man who never blames me for not being about to be father, when it is one of his greatest desires. He just loves me and tells me time and time again that even if he had known all the heartache and pain he would experience wanting to be a daddy and having to wait for it so long, he would still choose me. He even told me, before we conceived, when I started thinking that maybe it would never happen, that he still would have chosen me had he know before hand he never would have been a father. Since losing Michael, he has just loved me, and help me when I cry, and wiped away my tears. And he does all this when I am sure he is hurting just as much inside. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such a wonderful man, but I sure am grateful for the love he has shown me and the man he is. I could not imagine a better husband and father for myself and our son. I have not given up hope, but do need some more time to heal physically, emotionally and spiritually before trying again. Hopefully, I will be able to conceive again, but I guess only time will tell.

As always, thanks for reading, sorry for the novel. Hopefully not too bad, especially since I have learned how to add pictures to my posts. :)

Update for the past several months

It has been a while. I have had many thoughts and feeling that past several months, but did not quite feel ready to write them down. But I am now ready to share my experiences again. And sorry again, but this is going to be novel, as I was writing it, I never could quit find the right stopping point to break this up between multiple posts. Also, I want to include a picture in this post, hopefully it will not be hard to see.

Last October, after a morning blood draw, I got the call from my fertility doctor's office at 5:30 pm October 25^th – I was finally pregnant. I was so excited, I could hardly contain my excitement. But I knew we were still very early in the pregnancy, I was only 3 1/2 weeks at the time. So other than my husband, I did not want to tell anyone yet. But my husband and I were so excited, finally we were going to be parents and have all that comes with that, and we were ready to face whatever would come our way on the parent front.

We anxiously anticipated our first ultrasound, at 7 weeks, with our fertility doctor. We wanted to make sure our precious baby was healthy and strong. Our little baby was so beautiful and loved moving, doing somersaults and kicking and punching the whole time. After the ultrasound, my doctor told us that she was going to move the due date up 3 days because our baby was measuring big. We, but mostly me with my husband’s support, decided we did not want to tell anyone yet, even family, since the change of miscarriage is still so high. So we kept it our little secret.

Over that time, my taste buds changed and evolved. Things I used to love, no longer tasted good, or made me feel sick, while others, helped settle my upset stomach. It was weird, so I ate many pickles and bananas, not as a craving, but just because it helped me not feel sick. Luckily I never threw up though. We decided we would tell our families on my mom's birthday, which was two days after we reached 10 weeks. Our families could not have been more excited for us. Their excitement almost beat ours. But we still did not tell the general public, because miscarriage can still happen up to 13 weeks, which was three days after Christmas.

On Christmas day, we announced our pregnancy on facebook. Here are our posts:

-We got the best Christmas present ever...we successfully made it to the end of our first trimester! We are so excited to announce that we are expecting a baby due in early July!

-Who has got two thumbs and his wife is pregnant? This guy!

Within hours, we both had multiple likes and comments on our posts. We could not be more elated. We were expecting and now our friends and family could publicly celebrate with us! After a little over 5 long years of trying, we were going to be parents! We had desired long and hard, and done everything we could possibly think of to get ready for our family to grow, and now it was happening.

We went to AZ to visit with my family over Christmas, we were there for two and a half weeks. It was such a fun break from life and great to celebrate, Christmas and the baby, with my family. My mom and sister wanted to go buy maternity clothes and baby supplies. They both had wonderful words of advice for about what to buy, what to get new and used, what to avoid. It was great. Most of the time we were there we talked about baby. The excitement was so thick in the house, you could almost touch it.

I was sad when it came time for us to go home, but it was ok, we were coming back in 10 weeks for spring break. And in the middle, we were going to find out the sex. We were so excited. We came home and started thinking about how we would change our house around to fit all the baby stuff, and started thinking about all things baby.

Friday, January 24th, we went to dinner with my brother in law. It was an all you can eat, but I don’t think I ate much, but I drank a ton. We went back to our house after dinner, and planned on watching a movie, or maybe playing games with my brother in law. However, shortly after returning home, my water broke. As a nurse, once I realized my water broke, I knew my baby was not going to make it, I was still too early. I was not quite half way, and before 20 weeks, medically they will not ever try to save the baby. I started grieving the loss of my baby that I had anticipated for years and had finally been able to welcome into my heart and family.

Since I was not yet 20 weeks, I knew Labor and Delivery would just send me to the ER, so that is where I headed. Unfortunately, it was early in the evening on a Friday night, so I knew it would be a crazy night. When I got there, every nurse I talked to scoffed at me when I told them my water broke. One even asked if I was sure I did not just pee my pants. I told all of them I was certain my water broke, and they once again scoffed. After about 3 hours, I finally got back to a room. The doctor came in shortly after, I told him what happened, and he was the first person that admitted it sounded suspiciously like my water did in fact broke. But he wanted to do an ultrasound first to see what my fluid level in my uterus looked like. We had to wait about an hour for the ultrasound tech to come in. She did not say much, but verified she saw our baby moving and the heart was still fluttering away. She explained that it would be about an hour or so for the radiologist to read the ultrasound and write a report. So we waited some more, and a little over an hour later the ER doc comes back and said my fluid level is lower than my last ultrasound I had, and is waiting for an OB consult.

It was about 30 minutes for the OB resident to get there. She came in and started talking to us about a few more tests she would run to verify if my water had broken, since fluid level in the uterus can decrease for many reasons. There were a total of three test she needed to run, but I can only remember one specifically - a litmus test. It checks the vaginal pH, since it is usually acidic, and amniotic fluid is basic. However, before running the tests, she wanted to explain some options we had. She explained that some women will choose to try to remain pregnant after their water breaks prematurely, which is possible she explained, as long as the cervix does not start dilating on its own. She explained they do so in hopes of remaining pregnancy at least to where they can save the baby after deliver. She explained the risks choosing to remain pregnant after your water breaks, and if we chose to do that, potentially, the "water" or amniotic fluid could build back up, but until then I would have to be especially careful since I did not have the cushion of protection for my baby...we were starting to get hopeful that maybe we would not lose our baby after all. Once she explained all this, she proceeded to do the last few checks to see if my water had in fact broken, even though I already knew it had. She did the litmus test and explained, “I really don’t need to do the other tests because you are already dilated to almost 3 cm and I can see your baby’s foot. But legally I need do the last two tests to verify.” And with a few words, all the hope I had gained in the last few minutes was dashed. After the last two tests also verified my water had broken, she explained they would admit me to Labor and Delivery, as I would have to deliver my baby. It was about another 20-30 minutes before I was transferred. By this point it is about 3 am Saturday morning.

Once I was admitted,  I was given some medication to help induce labor. In between doses, my husband and I slept. About 8am, we decided to call and let me parents know what was going on, since I decided not to call them in the middle of the night when we found out. My mom said she would be leaving shortly to come be with us. I was looking forward to having my mom come help me heal from my loss.

Shortly after 8am, I delivered my precious baby, he was stillborn. After delivery we found out it was a boy. We named him Adam Michael, the name we had picked for our first son many years prior. He was named after my brother, his uncle, Adam Michael, always with the intent that we would call him Michael. The ironic part is that my brother Adam was also born prematurely and only lived for a few minutes after delivery. 

Anyway, back to our story, the nurse got the on-call doctor, who came in and cut the cord and began to encourage me to push to get the placenta delivered. After about 15 minutes, we were told sometimes in premature deliveries the placenta takes longer to come out as your body tries to figure out what happened, since you should not be delivering yet. So they said they would return in a little bit to check on me. As we waited, we had the great privileged to hold, cuddle and love our son. He remained with us as we took picture and admired how absolutely perfect his body looked. He was perfect in every way! Our son has eyelashes, fingernails and toenails, and muscle definition -- at 17 weeks gestation. As I looked at my beautiful, perfect son, it saddened me that abortion is legalized, and they can continue to get abortions at the stage of pregnancy I was at, especially now seeing how perfectly formed these precious babies are even so early in pregnancy. About an hour after delivery, my brother-in-law came by for a visit. As all three of us admired, we started noticing features he favored from me and my husband – my hands, my husband’s shoulders, my nose, my husband’s feet. It was so fun to get the time to notice those things! The nurse would return about every 10-15 minutes and check on me. My placenta did not want to release from my uterus, in the meantime I continued to bleed with some pretty big clots. After about an hour and a half or longer of waiting for the placenta, the doctor came in and explained that I was losing too much blood and needed to have a d&c to remove the placenta and get the bleeding to stop. I agreed and signed the consent form. I left my precious baby in the capable hands of his father and was wheeled away to the OR.

About 2 or so hours later, I woke up in my room again. My brother in law had left, but had told my husband he would probably be back, and my grandma was in the room talking to my husband and admiring my beautiful son. My husband told me that the procedure took longer than anticipated because even after removing the placenta, they could not get me to stop bleeding and tried various means to get the bleeding to stop. The nurse then explained, they ended up using a bakri balloon, which basically inflates and applies direct pressure on the inside of the uterus to get the bleeding to stop. From my rotation in nursing school, I know that the bakri balloon is used as a last resort to stop hemorrhage, which told me I had lost a lot of blood and they could not get the bleeding to stop any other way, later I found out that I had and estimated blood loss of about 1.5 liters. As I was being told all this, I start to feel aweful contractions and NEEDED pain meds NOW. The nurse was very prompt, but while I waited I looked to my husband and told him if this is what labor feels like I am definitely getting an epidural next time. The nurse returned with some pain medication, and promptly fell asleep for about one hour. When I woke up the pain was gone. And I promptly requested to hold Michael again. I continued to admire and love this little guy, and he was just as perfect as I had remembered. As I held him, I chatted with my grandma. I was so grateful for her loving and peaceful presence.

My grandma left about the same time my husband’s other brother came. I could tell he was visibly shook up over the loss. We talked to him and helped calm his emotions, because as sad as it was, there was a peace that it would all be alright and that God was watching over us. And I knew that if God was watching over us, then everything was happening just the wait it was supposed to, according to His great plan for us. Just after he has been there for about 20 minutes, my sister and niece came for a visit. It was so nice to have so much family support. We all passed Michael around, all admiring how beautiful and perfect he was. My husband and I pointed out all the things we had noticed that Michael had inherited from his parents, and they all agreed.

As their visits ended, I was told my my nurse, that I was stable enough after the surgery that I could not be transferred to the maternity unit. So we were transferred and with no visitors decided to catch some sleep, since neither of us slept more than a few hours the night before. Then one of our dear friends, Karen, came by for a visit and stayed for about 30 minutes and left shortly after my parents arrived.

Once again, my parents admired with us how absolutely perfect our son looked. How his little body was so perfectly formed was and pointed out all the similarities we had noticed. IT was fun to once again share with those we loved our precious Michael. As we admired and talked, our other good friends, Matt and Emilie stopped by. We all sat and talked and admired. It was so great to have so much support during this time of trial and sadness. Having so much support definitely helped my husband and me cope with the loss of something we had so looked forward to for years. Our final visitors left around 11pm. My husband and I finally got more than just some quick cat naps. Early in the morning, the nurse came in and removed the Bakri balloon and said she would keep watching for bleeding. Fortunately, I no longer had any serious bleeding occur. After the balloon was removed, I began to walk around the hall. As I was walking, I ran into one of the OB residence that had worked with me yesterday, and he was shocked I was walking since I had so much blood loss the day before. Honestly, I felt fine, maybe a little weak, but fine to walk. I took the time to ask him a few questions and was grateful for the time to talk to him.

After walking, I returned to my room and woke my husband up enough to convince him to join me in my bed. We fell back a sleep for a bit and then my parents returned to the hospital about the same time the doctor came and told us I would be leaving later that morning. And surely we were able to go home just before lunch. When we finally were heading home, a flood of sadness overwhelmed us because I delivered my baby, but had to go home without him. But that sadness did not last long as we had another slew of people come visit the whole afternoon. And our dear friend Emilie brought us delicious homemade lasagna and went to bed early that night.

As I fell asleep that night, I was so grateful for all the support and love we had received throughout the whole weekend. We are truly fortunate for all the wonderful people that have been there to support and love us throughout our journey of infertility, pregnancy and loss.